Strength, Art, and Tradition. Writing this essay has helped me fathom who I really am.

Hi, I'm sure you have seen pleanty of these essays but if you could bear to see one more I would appreciate it =)

Please tell me what you think, and any suggestions you might have. I am also over by 3 words, so if you find 3 words I can remove please let me know.

Thanks!

This is my essay for FSU and the topic is:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" (...)

As the Latin proverb experientia docet-experience teaches-expresses, the life experiences I have gained greatly contribute to values reflected in my life today. An individual's values are not dependent to one aspect alone; a variety of concepts defines every person to set them aside from another. The philosophy behind Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores," in my life, signifies strength, beauty of art, and tradition.

First, "Vires" signifies strength in my life. The greatest test of strength in my life began three years ago when I was faced with asthma. The problem began after the first few weeks of my cross country season. As the mileage rolled by at practice, I noticed myself wheezing and struggling to fill my lungs with air after only minutes of running. My mother, already over-protective of my health, immediately scheduled an appointment with a specialist, who discovered that I had developed asthma. I was prescribed an inhaler, but to my disappointment, its minute help was not enough to get me through practice. Unwilling to give up my passion of running, I continued to run through that season and endured the struggle at practice each day. As time passed and the temperature began to drop, breathing was once again an effortless task due to my physical strength to endure.

Next, "Artes" signifies beauty of art in my life. A yearbook to me is one of the most cherishable pieces of art. My fascination in editing pictures and designing brochures led me to join the yearbook staff at my high school as an editor. The beauty of art through photographs is shown to me as I am able to transform an old and dull picture, into a vibrant and vivid picture. A beautiful photograph in my eyes, is one with many colors that tie together to make a magnificent piece of art. After a years worth of time and effort, the final copy of a yearbook is the beauty of art in my life.

Last, "Mores" signifies tradition in my life. Tradition, it is the beliefs, customs, and practices handed down from one generation to the next. Born into an Indian family, tradition has always been an influential part of my life. Tradition influenced my life even as a toddler, for growing up my first language was not English, but instead "Gujarati," the language of my ancestors. In addition to language, my family tradition has also allowed me to take part in various Indian celebrations such as Holi or Festival of Color and Diwali or Festival of Light. Although I seek to maintain my Indian traditions, I am also an American and enjoy introducing new traditions into my family. Experiencing both Indian and American traditions allows me to see the similarities and differences between two cultures.

Writing this essay has helped me fathom who I really am, I have discovered that with just three small words-"Vires, Artes, Mores"-I have an aptitude for physical strength, a fascination with the beauty of art, and a respect for tradition.

This is nice.

There are some problems with vocab choice, though. For example, 'endure' works much better than 'endeavor.' Check on these things again. Precision is very important in meaning.

Thank you for your input!
I did make a few changes to get between my word count, what do you think of this version?

Don't use "first", "next" and "last" as transitional words. They're very elementary. Try admittedly, moreover, and furthermore, for example.

With this essay, you also don't want to tell them what they already know:


They know all of this- it's unnecessary. Try opening with your personal examples. And by removing these, it may allow you some space to elaborate upon your anecdotes some more.


Something like this shouldn't really be included. I, myself, am not strong with conclusions, but I've been taught to avoid talking about your writing process in your writing. Another little fault is that this line doesn't sell yourself. Essentially, you want to give them the idea that you already knew who you are. That may not be the case, but a line that's focuses more on the present- "I know who I am", for example, would be stronger support that simultaneously avoids that problem.

Hope I could help :)

Nice points, mpatt.

Much better, Melanie. There is a much better flow and the vocab doesn't jolt the reader any more.

Follow mpatt's advice and let me see that revision. I'm looking forward to it.