The prompt is "Why do you want to attend a service academy" and it's a prompt to get a nomination from my congressional district's represetitive to a service academy. The max word count is 500 and I'm about 20 over. I feel as though my conclusion isn't too strong. Can someone help me cut out things that aren't necessary and make any recommendations? Thank you all for any help.
Why I wish to attend a service academy and serve in the armed forces
Strength. Dedication. Discipline. Honor. Pride. These are among my top values. These are the values of every officer in the armed forces. These are the values that currently and will continue to guide me to success. But there is always room to learn more, and to become an even better person. This is what I believe is waiting for me at the United States Naval Academy.
I come from a military family; my parents were one of the only people in my family that did not serve. A few years ago, I saw my grandfather, which turned out to be the last time I would see him. He was Jewish and a Holocaust survivor. He was in multiple labor camps after the Germans invaded Poland and he lost his mother and father. He immigrated to the United States after Americans liberated the camp he was being held in at the time. He was a Korean War veteran. When I was leaving he pulled me aside and told me "Jonathan I know one day you will make me very, very proud." That was the last thing he said to me; a few months later he passed away. I feel that the best way to make him proud is serving my country. After September 11, 2001, I lived in constant fear of another attack. After finally getting over this fear quite recently, I had a revelation: I want to do everything in my power to make sure that in the future, my children won't have to go through the constant fear and anxiety of worrying about an attack. I then knew that I was going to be an officer in the United States Marine Corps.
I started doing Tang Soo Do at the age of five; I am now a third degree black belt. I now focus on mixed martial arts. Since I was 7 I have hunted with my father. Throughout my experiences, I have built up a solid shell of strength, dedication, discipline, honor, and pride. I feel as though I am on a good track to becoming the man I aspire to be. To truly reach my ultimate goal, I need the help and education that only the service academies can provide.
I am frequently berated by both friends and family for my decision to join the marine corps. They all say "Jon, why would you ever want to join the marines? You can do so much more with your life." I feel sorry for each and every one of them. I feel sorry because none of them feel what I feel: the pure love for my country and my freedom and my willingness to preserve them. I can do so much more? I do not see how I can do anything more honorable, more self fulfilling than becoming a Marine Corps officer.
Only the best may attend any service academy; I believe that I am among those ranks. It would be no easy task, but I accept the challenge with a smile on my face. I believe I have what it takes to attend a service academy.
This is a good prompt but in your introduction you mentioned some characteristics that you only briefly talked about in the paragraph about Tang Soo Do. That paragraph is basically stating how long you've done Tang Soo Do and what you've learned from it, but I don't think it really describes WHY you want to attend a service academy? I think you should cut that entire paragraph out because you'll have other chances in your application to brag and talk yourself up on your extracurriculars. As for the paragraph about you living in fear after 9/11 you should really consider if that's true because the admissions board will be able to see through any false pretenses. Go into more detail about WHY you want to be an officer. There's other ways to become an officer so why do you want to go to a service academy rather than become an officer through other means?
You are nowhere near exceeding the word count. (Soon you'll see what I mean.)
Reread the prompt...
Why do you want to attend a service academy?
Then read the words and sentences below. Only the ones in blue pertain in the slightest to the essay prompt. (Note: I'm not highlighting repeats because you need not say anything more than once.)
---Strength .
---Dedication .
---Discipline .
---Honor.
---Pride .
---These are the values of every officer in the armed forces.
---These are the values that currently and will continue to guide me to success .
---But there is always room to learn more, and to become an even better person .
---This is what I believe is waiting for me at the United States Naval Academy.
---I come from a military family; my parents were one of the only people in my family that did not serve.
---A few years ago, I saw my grandfather, which turned out to be the last time I would see him.
---He was Jewish and a Holocaust survivor.
---He was in multiple labor camps after the Germans invaded Poland and he lost his mother and father.
---He immigrated to the United States after Americans liberated the camp he was being held in at the time.
---He was a Korean War veteran.
---When I was leaving he pulled me aside and told me "Jonathan I know one day you will make me very, very proud."
---That was the last thing he said to me; a few months later he passed away.
---I feel that the best way to make him proud is serving my country .
---After September 11, 2001, I lived in constant fear of another attack.
---After finally getting over this fear quite recently, I had a revelation :
---I want to do everything in my power to make sure that in the future, my children won't have to go through the constant fear and anxiety of worrying about an attack.
---I then knew that I was going to be an officer in the United States Marine Corps.
---I started doing Tang Soo Do at the age of five; I am now a third degree black belt.
---I now focus on mixed martial arts.
---Since I was 7 I have hunted with my father.
---Throughout my experiences, I have built up a solid shell of strength, dedication, discipline, honor, and pride.
---I feel as though I am on a good track to becoming the man I aspire to be .
---To truly reach my ultimate goal, I need the help and education that only the service academies can provide .
---I am frequently berated by both friends and family for my decision to join the marine corps.
---They all say "Jon, why would you ever want to join the marines? You can do so much more with your life."
---I feel sorry for each and every one of them.
---I feel sorry because none of them feel what I feel: the pure love for my country and my freedom and my willingness to preserve them .
---I can do so much more?
---I do not see how I can do anything more honorable, more self fulfilling than becoming a Marine Corps officer .
---Only the best may attend any service academy; I believe that I am among those ranks .
---It would be no easy task, but I accept the challenge with a smile on my face.
---I believe I have what it takes to attend a service academy.
There's other ways to become an officer so why do you want to go to a service academy rather than become an officer through other means?
This is a GREAT comment/question.
Jon8502, you need to address this (preferably in the intro or conclusion).
