UC prompt #1 is "Describe the world you come from- your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
All my life my parents have criticized my actions and behavior. Even the smallest of activities are reprimanded-from my already-appropriate Sunday church outfits to my extra-curricular activity in St. Anthony Church as altar server leader. Every night, I sat and struggled through homework after strenuous basketball practice in my hot, crowded room that I shared with my mother and father, and tried to block out all the noises that come from The Filipino Channel on television, Mom and Dad mentioning how less Catholic I was becoming, the sound of Auntie Roselyn's tilapia-frying, cousins Tin, Jay and Bunso's arguments on who got to play with the laptop, Uncle Joy who tried to end all the chaos with his children, and my younger sister Kat who went in and out of the bedroom collecting pillows and blankets for her futon out in the living room for the night. I felt that my parents insisted too much of me, as their eldest of two girls. Pressure skyrocketed also because I had to live with nine people in a 700-square-footed, two-bedroom apartment. I was convinced that I would not be able to get the "good-enough" grades and to become the "grounded and successful" person my parents expect me to be.
In the midst of all this, I was diagnosed contact dermatitis. Although the dryness and peeling was mild around my eyes, I spent plenty of time in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to get it to heal faster with the Neutrogena Continuous Hydration Cream, Petroleum Jelly and Aveeno moisturizer, though it became worse and stressed me out even more. Again came my parents with the nagging, but this time I finally realized that all the criticisms thrown at me were for my own well-being. I became completely selfish and allowed this trouble to rise over me. The only way, I thought, that I could get back on track was with faith in God and to follow my parents' advice and become the suave and savvy daughter my parents wanted me to become. Promptly, I helped out around the house and succeeded in school as a way to thank my parents for all good they have done. I also had to enjoy the company of my extended family from the Philippines and welcome them the way I was introduced to America when I relocated from Guam in 2008.
Eventually, both the redness, dryness and peeling around my eyes and at home healed after a slow process just like how things healed at home.
---i need help with the ending and epiphany
What was the prompt?
The part about dermatitis seems to really stick out. I would try to tie it more fluidly to the meat of your essay. If I were the admissions officer reading this, I would see that and say "huh?" until I got to your very last sentence. Just try to craft your essay so that the reader is sure that the bit about dermatitis is relevant to your thesis. Also, there are a few grammar/word choice errors, but the most prominent one I see is in your last sentence... it's sort of redundant.
"...Eventually, the redness, dryness and peeling around my eyes and at home(no need to put "at home" twice) healed, after a slow process(to me, "Eventually... after a slow process" sounds kind of repetitive, but that's just my opinion) and so did things at home." That's just a basic suggestion, though... obviously, you're the one writing the essay, and I'm no professional, so take what I say with a grain of salt...
Good luck :)
i also agree with the with the post above
the dermatitis part isn't the main point in your essay but it seems to stick out the most
so try to make it so that it flows more with the rest of your essay as a detail.
seems like you REALLY want to get away from home...you're not alone. D:
"Promptly, I helped out around the house and succeeded in school as a way to thank my parents for all good they have done." < the transition is a bit off. all that RANTING and then two sentences at the end about solving them. God's not THAT powerful is he? If he is, talk more about how you changed. what affected you to changed. maybe less about how you faced difficulties at home and with your "nagging parents" [you're not alone on that too. happens to a lot of people.] Maybe restructure your essay to show that although you faced difficulties at home, [something] changed and affected you to keep working at whatever you did. you mention a lot but focus more on one theme throughout the essay.
I think its a fairly decent essay actually. Some work can be made on it to strengthen it even further, but even though the content in itself is nothing extraordinary, you have managed to make it somewhat interesting. I think its because of the last line actually.
Hopefully the Moderators and Contributors, and other members of this site, will comment on your esasy and provide useful feedback that you can use to make this essay a really powerful one.
