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The stress a person undergoes when applying for admissions - essay


mcas 2 / 2  
Nov 29, 2007   #1
uc prompt # 2 - tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. what about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

attached is a copy of my essay for prompt # 2. can you help in editing this and advice as what your thoughts are. if you think it's incorrect, can you please correct it. thanks a lot, your help is greatly appreciated.

Has anyone ever thought the fear and stress a person undergoes when applying for admissions to a college or university? Applying for admissions to a prestigious institution such as the University of California is not an easy task. The tremendous fear that goes through every applicant's mind of not being accepted to the college or university of his or her choice is unexplainable.

A year ago when my parents and I received a letter from the school that I attend requesting for permission to send my grades to the University of California, it never crossed my mind that I will be receiving a letter from the president of the University of California congratulating and advising me that all the hard work that I have done has placed me in the top four percent of my graduating class. My achievements have qualified me for admission to the University of California through the Eligibility in the Local Context program. It was an honor to have received a personal invitation from the president of the university himself.

Growing up in a family where both parents have earned college degrees and expects me to excel in everything has not been an easy task. My parents have always compelled me to do my best in everything that I do. I always did well in school. Through the years, I developed a strong passion for math and science. In my elementary years, I have always excelled in math, science and social studies and have participated in different school competitions relating to these subject matters. This hard work has translated into middle school and especially high school where I took many challenging courses and joined different clubs over the course of my high school years. My love and passion for mathematics, science and history have led me to take honors and AP courses. I enjoyed all the rigorous AP classes that I have taken and love the thrill of competing and succeeding. In my freshman and sophomore years, I took honors courses in math, science, history and english, while in my junior year I took AP chemistry, AP biology, and AP US history, honors english and honors pre-calculus. As these courses were not challenging enough, I took AP government, AP english, AP calculus, AP physics and AP environmental science and attained a weighted GPA of 4.4167 and a non-weighted GPA of 3.75. I rank number thirteen out of 664 senior students and rank number 11 in all tenth through twelfth grades.

With all the anxieties and uncertainties of what the future will bring, I can only rest in assurance that no matter what happens, my parents are always supportive of my undertakings. I idolize my father who is an engineer-his character and ways have greatly influenced my desire to be like him. I perhaps have gotten a good deal of his genes that I too am inclined to the point of excelling in the field of mathematics and science. As I ponder on what field I should take for higher learning, my mom's constant reminder of her desire for me to go into the medical field and my desire to be an engineer has made me decide to take up Engineering.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 30, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! However, I think you should eliminate the first paragraph. It almost sounds as if you are complaining, or chastising the school for putting you through the strain of applying! (Also, the fear is not "unexplainable"; it's quite easy to figure out.) Your second paragraph would make a good opening, though.

it never crossed my mind that I would be receiving a letter

Growing up in a family where both parents have earned college degrees and expect me to excel in everything

and have participated in different school competitions relating to these subjects.

I perhaps have gotten a good deal of his genes, in that I, too, am inclined to excel in the fields of mathematics and science. As I ponder on what path I should take for higher learning, my mom's constant reminder of her desire for me to go into the medical field and my desire to be an engineer has made me decide to take up Engineering. - Did you intend for this last line to be ironic? It sounds like you are saying, "My mom wants me to be a doctor, so I'm going to be an engineer." :-))

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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