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Striving for the best - UBC Personal Profile Question. Tell us about who you are.

ShaylaC 1 / -  
Oct 11, 2019   #1
Hey everyone, hoping for some advice on my essay entry for UBC's personal profile question listed below. Any tips or tricks would be great, is the first part long enough? I am very proud of how far I've come and this would of probably been what I would have chosen regardless but the truth is due to my troubles in the past I've not really had much to be proud of yet. Do you think talking about my progress is something that is acceptable for the being proud question? Thank you in advance!

personal essay writing

Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why.

My family and friends would describe me as resilient, passionate, ambitious, and driven. They see someone who is always striving to be the best version of themselves and has come a long way in the past couple years. This is not just in terms of growing up but also healing and overcoming obstacles internally. My family in particular would say that I can be independent to a fault and somewhat closed off at times. Whereas my friends would describe me as someone who is accepting of help and open to vulnerable conversations as well as constructive criticism.

Throughout my life I have suffered with various mental health conditions which had a tremendous impact on my day to day life and most notably my academic career. During my high school years, I found it very difficult to continue attending my regular classes which ultimately made me question my ability to earn my diploma. Despite this, I refused to give up as it was a very important goal of mine to officially graduate no matter how hard it would be. I took some time to focus on my health and healing so I would be mentally fit enough to put my all into my classes and continue on to university.

I am incredibly proud of myself, the work I have done, and the journey I have been on. After learning how to cope with my mental health and learning about myself I began to thoroughly enjoy my classes and the idea of university now fills me with excitement rather than anxiety.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Oct 14, 2019   #2
Thank you for being in the forum. I'm here to give feedback on this essay of yours.

Firstly, I find the first paragraph to be quite alright. You were able to incorporate personal details while still avoiding being generally too cautious about the content. This can be thoroughly appreciated by the readers themselves. What I do suggest is adding a clutch sentence in the first paragraph's last line that will serve as a better transition line for the forthcoming details.

The second paragraph also needs to be a bit more distinguished. While it was great that you had incorporated so much complexity into your writing (superficially through the usage of deep words), the flow is still quite vague. You have to be more specific, especially if you want to hinge your essay on a personal narrative. Try to explain more how these experiences translated into real-life challenges. Doing this will also heighten the impact of your writing.

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