Opinions on this are much appreciated (566 words). Thanks!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (250 word minimum)
Still feeling the jet lag, I rolled out of bed, threw on my running shoes, jogged down 21 flights of stairs and out the door, and was immediately greeted by the unfamiliar sounds of a big city. I was in Shenyang, China, and getting in my morning run. As I darted across the traffic-filled road and into the park across the street, I thought ahead to my day. A slow, sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach as I realized I would be doing science in an unfamiliar language in a laboratory with strangers.
Upon finishing my run and heading to the lab, I was introduced to a graduate student who would be guiding my research for the week I was there. Although I could speak Chinese well enough to carry on a brief conversation with him, my lack of knowledge of chemistry terms in Chinese became immediately evident when he asked me if I knew what arsenic was. I was able to answer him once I figured out what he was talking about, but it was clear that nothing would be accomplished if we couldn't communicate. With our problem defined, we sought a solution.
Since we live in the technological age, we decided to use the ever-helpful Wikipedia to look up molecular formulas of chemicals in Chinese. I was then able to translate things into English, and from there, use my high school chemistry knowledge to recognize the molecules. This proved to be an excellent and effective system, and I soon figured out the goal of our project-- to create a water purification device that would remove the highly toxic pollutant arsenic from water.
With the clarification of the project came the jarring realization that economics factor greatly into the technological development. Because of the higher standard of living in the U.S., we can afford current arsenic removal technology, and it is thus not a problem. In contrast, poorer farmers like those living on the shore of a large lake in Kunming, China could barely scrape together a living, much less pay extra to purify contaminated water. With our new method of communication developed, I worked efficiently with the grad student, using rare earth metals that are abundant in China to create materials for a more cost-effective arsenic removal device which I would install in Kunming. I was excited to find that one of these lower-cost materials could absorb ten times more arsenic than currently used materials.
By the end of my trip to China, I carried a whole different attitude with me as I weaved through traffic on my morning run. I recognized the vast economic imbalance between the city folk I saw on my runs and the poor farmers in the country, and realized that even though we may not see such an imbalance, it is present in every society including our own. As a result, helping those in need is now extremely important to me. Surprisingly, working in the lab for a day had little of the school-esque tedium that I expected; instead, I enjoyed applying my education practically and meeting new people. After seeing firsthand how science can help solve global problems and also seeing how cost and economic factors influence innovation, I want to come out of college with a strong education in both science and business so that I can better tackle global issues similar to arsenic pollution.
I think you should add 2 or 3 more sentences about the concept that is central to the essay. It needs to be reinforced for clarity.
A slow, sinking feeling of dread filled my stomach as I realized I would be doing science in an unfamiliar language in a laboratory with strangers.---This sentence ends the first paragraph, and it leaves the reader thinking about the concept of "dealing with strangers." That is not what the essay is about.
I really like the way you used running for imagery at the start and end, and you shared some of your perspective with us. You are a great writer!! Use the first and last sentences of paragraphs to make your important points.
:-)
'I recognized the vast economic imbalance between the city folk I saw on my runs and the poor farmers in the country, and realized that even though we may not see such an imbalance, it is present in every society including our own. As a result, helping those in need is now extremely important to me'
Maybe you should elaborate on why it is important to you?. Other than that I think your essay is well constructed and I like the end running part as it shows that you take notice in the most simplistic things around you that many tend to overlook :)
I hope I helped! x_____x
