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A strong mind normally, but something happens to you and made you touched.


sasori66 2 / 3  
Apr 28, 2013   #1
Early in the morning, I went to school alone with my heavy steps. As and when, I tilted my head left and right to hope that Alastair would appear beside me like magic and talked to me and walked with me to school. But I knew that was not possible. Ron and I had some disagreement between us and we had not been talking since then. It happened like this: Last week, as he asked me to lend him to copy the homework that Mr Chua told us to do, but I refused. So in the end, he had to face the music of not doing his homework. That day onwards, he never approached me anymore.

As i was thinking all this thing, I never saw the paddle of water in front of me and I step right into it and "Whoosh", I slipped. Then I heard a familiar laughter, and said, "Haha... don't you bring your eyes out when you are walking?" When I turned back, I knew it was him, my most 'hated enemy', Ron! He continued, "Be careful of dog poop around! Haha!" And he walked away. I got up from the floor and looked at my watch realized that I lost track of my time. I rushed to wards to school.

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Josephd6 2 / 5 2  
Apr 28, 2013   #2
Early in the morning, I went to school alone with my heavy steps. As and when, I tilted my head left and right to hope that Alastair would appear beside me like magic and talked to me and walked with me to school. But I knew thatit was not possible. Ron and I had some disagreement between us and we had not been talking since then. It happened like this: Last week, as he asked me to lend him my homework, that Mr Chua told us to do, to copy it , but I refused. So in the end, he had to face the music of not doing his homework. That day onwards, he never approached me anymore.
As I was thinking all this thing, I never sawdidn't see the paddle of water in front of me and I stepped right into it and "Whoosh", I slipped. Then I heard a familiar laughter, and then he said, "Haha... don't you bring your eyes out when you are walking?" When I turned back, I knew it was him, my most 'hated enemy', Ron! He continued, "Be careful of dog poop around! Haha!" And he walked away. When I got up from the floor and looked at my watch, I realized that I lost track of my time. So I rushed towards tothe school.
I went to into the class after being scolded by Mr.Chua. The time fliesflied and the lesson continued. "Ding... Dong..." The bell for recess struck. I felt that I was having a very unlucky day, so I decided to stay in class and rest. Hearing the peaceful sound of the classroom and birds chirping everywhere. ThinkingI thought that the unluckiness had stopped, but I was wrong. I heard someone unzipping my bag and I quickly got up to have a look. But there iswas no one in the classroom acceptexcept me. andM y bag was zipped, s o I thought that I may have overheard.
"Ring..." The recess had ended. My classmates rushed into the classroom like a swarm of bees. Suddenly, I heard a wailing voice shoutingI heard a wailing voice saying , "Someone... someone stole my wallet!" When I lifted up my head, it was Denise who was crying. Then Mr.Chua walked into the class and saw Denise crying, he asked, "Why are you crying, Denise?" She answered, "Just now when we are having our recess, I forgot to brought down my wallet and it was placed on my desk. As I was lazy to walk up and down, so I lent the money from one of my friends and decided to return back the money after I came up. But when I came up, I saw that my wallet had gone missing. I had searched thoroughly around my desk and in my bag, but I still can't find it."
All of a sudden, popped out Alastair's voice, "Mr Chua, why don't you checks everyone's bag to confirm whether anyone had stolen it and placed it in their bag? Why don't you start form the guy next to Denise?" After hearing Alastair's suggestions, Mr Chua decided that it would be a great idea and turned to me and said, "Would you mind letting me checked you bag?" I replied, "Sure. It's not like I had stolen it." Mr Chua started to rummaged my bag and all of a sudden, he took out a wallet which is not mine and asked Denise, "Is this yours?" She replied happily, "Yes! Oh thank god!" But after that happiness, her face changed and turned to me, "If my wallet is in your bag, then it must be you that stole my bag!" After hearing that, Mr Chua turned to me with the angry face and threw me with questions, "Is it you that stolen Denise's wallet? Why did you do this? What is your purpose of doing ?[It's the same question.] "
I amwas so startled with the things that happened to fast in front of me. I cannotcould not answer any questions.My eyes started to gotget wet and tears rolled down my cheeks. I answered with i shivereda shiver , "I did not..." And I burst into tears. Suddenly came out a familiar voice, "It's not her!" I lifted up my heavy head to see who is my savior. To my relief, it was Ron!
Ron went over to Mr Chua's ears and whispered something. After that, Mr Chua said, "Alastair, followed me to my office now." After they left, I asked Ron, "What did you toldtell Mr Chua?" "You don't need to know. Everything's going to be fine." I was touched by the words...

I guess you have a little problem with the tenses.
Don't use words like : (too, very, etc...) too much.
I think you should introduce (Alastair) just like when you introduced (Ron)
But that's a good story overall, I congratulate you :)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 30, 2013   #3
I guess you have a little problem with the tenses.

.... yes, I too guess so...pay attention to that!

As and when, I tilted my head left and right to hope that Alastair would appear beside me like magic and talked to me and walked with me to school.

With each step, I tilted my head left and right in hope of Alastair would appear beside me and join me walking to the school.

I think you should introduce (Alastair) just like when you introduced (Ron)

.... yes... I began to wonder whether you talk about the same person (Alastair and Ron) or two different people as I went on reading this. It's not clear and you should introduce who Alastair is.

Last week, as he asked me to lend him to copy the homework that Mr Chua told us to do, but I refused.

Last week, I refused to lend him my homework, which Mr Chua wanted us to do, for him to copy.

As i was thinking all this thing, I never saw the paddle of water in front of me and I step right into it and "Whoosh", I slipped.

As I was engrossed in this thought, I accidentally stepped on the pool of water in front of and "Whoosh", I slipped.


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