Prompt:
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about.(*) (200-250 words)
My response:
A strong sense of curiosity is a basic element which makes me up.
When I was young, my mind was full of curiosity. I read an article introducing television one day. Why the black box produces moving images? I made a guess; it might be a miniature opera house with mini actors. The supernatural creatures played all sorts of show. I was eager to know the answer, to everyone surprise, I dissembled a TV at home. I felt depressed when I realized there were wired magnets and mega funnel only. The actors were gone.
When I grow up, curiosity turns to be obstinacy. From ultimate machine to mini gadget, from daily accessories to professional equipment, nothing I do not find interest in. One time, I picked up a lens from a camera. Why the object under it diminishes? I thought it was a magic. To prove it, I searched every corner in the World Wide Web and visited library again and again. Each time, it came up with the same conclusion, my thesis was wrong. But, I felt more delighted than upset as I filled myself with curiosity.
When curiosity goes to extreme, it becomes motivation. I am amazed by Diffraction Grating. It can form many fascinating rainbows. I am eager to know what would happen with varying specifications. I build my own set of apparatus, using a torch as light source, and successfully rebuild the experiment.
Curiosity develops my obstinacy and motivation. It makes my life full of fun.
"Obstinate person" shouldisbe the best term describing me. This personality has pushed me to do the best I can.
Your grammar is ok (and can be improved with practice :), and I think this essay is ok content-wise... however, I feel that you don't support your personality very well. You should use more specific experiences and such to substantiate your main point, that you are stubborn and determines. Also, I'm not sure how the paragraph on teaching fits in the overall essay; you should tie that paragraph in by elaborating on how through teaching, you show your determination.
I require myself to do the best I can in all the content, explanations, even in the formatting of the presentation and pictures used to illustrate abstract concept.
Elaborate this. Simply formatting of the presentation ... doesn't help illustrating your work. Perhaps, try vividly adjectives and stuffs: I add substances to my presentation, three pictures at one scene, plain grey background with a tinge of black dots, in a way that metallic tanks and guns and soldiers pop out of the screen as if in real...
Thanks for your advices, especially to freezard7734.
Now I have a revised version of my response.
Whats should I improve in the response?
I appreciate your help.
In your second draft, you talk about working on the "Diffraction Grating" experiment. Is this a common experiment? I'm not all that familiar with science, but I think you should elaborate on this point. Develop a voice! Try re-writing this more colloquially, how you'd talk with your friends. Then, go back and see how you can change the essay you have now to better show your personality. In an essay, the school wants to see the side of you that isn't portrayed on your transcript. Judging by the fact that you're applying to MIT, you're probably a serious student. Show them your personality that isn't portrayed on paper!
"They show enlightened after my tutor." Do you mean "They show enlightenment after my tutoring? "
Just some thoughts... I hope this helps! Don't be afraid to show a less serious side of yourself. After all, admissions counselors will be reading hundreds of applications. Yours should stand out :)
The essay seems to be very serious! Try to lighten up, im sure the admission counselors will appreciate it after reading tons of serious ones. :) They'll definitely be impressed by something different. I do like the specific examples you put in there though. Also, the ending to your revised essay is great!
Thank you for your advice
Now I dont think I can make obstinacy less serious so I have my forth version on a relaxing theme:
A strong sense of curiosity is among the basic elements which make me up.
When I was young, my mind was full of curiosity. I read an article introducing television one day. Whyand wondered why the black box produces moving images.?
I was eager to know the answer,; to everyone surprise, I dissembled a TV at home.
The actors were gonenot to be found .
When I grow up, curiosity turned to be obstinacy. ---- ha ha, you are clever! This is very good. I
Why does the object under it become diminished?
When curiosity goes to extreme, it becomes motivation. ---- nice!!!
I like the ending. I challenge you to look at all the small changes I made and spend 30 minutes practicing. Type each sentence the correct way over and over again, and speak it aloud.
I'm writing the same topic as you are right now, and I choose curiosity as well haha. I think that's going to be a really popular topic. My only concern is that it will become a little trite. I'm guilty myself, but maybe try to reconsider or incorporate some other element? Just my humble two cents :)
