Essay about struggle to fit in a new place and my experience with bullying (help)

This is my 2nd draft, I know it still needs some work but I don't know whether to change my point of view from I to she 3rd person and then make it have more progression by revealing the character as me or keep it the way it is. Any constructed suggestions would be nice. Thank you!

Question: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

"Hey! Who did your hair!"
"Hellloo Naps! Did you hear us who did your hair! Cause they musta been blind!", a arsenal of laughter hurled from my assailant's ship only to sink into my weak architecture.

I was a sensitive child and didn't know how to handle this kind of situation. It was confusing and very unpleasant seeing how I was not really keen on the idea of moving to this foreign alien planet. and was extremely anxious about how I would be received. I didn't know what to say for I never really knew that people treated one another like this without provocation. When I got here I thought I would be greeted and forgotten but instead I was met by a host of interstellar aliens. I didn't know if I looked different from these aliens or if I acted different; for some reason they were after me. Maybe it was because I had weird mannerisms, or was an orange compared to their complexion or maybe I was from the north part of the galaxy but for some reason they didn't take a shine to me. I quickly tried to say something anything so that they would leave me alone and make them feel bad,' Yeah, she is

This shut them up only for a second until they started to laugh until another storm of laughter assaulted my ears. It was like I was in a different galaxy but at the time it felt as if I had drifted into a deep space were things could get continuously colder. Here in this - 448 kelvin space is where I started to freeze; things that I once liked began to loose appeal gradually until soon I had lost the ability to smile and feel any strong emotion. But through my frozen state I stated to worry constantly of what people thought of me . At the same time mother and father earth were in an unstable magnetic shift that would potentially split the world in two. With this news in mind I was

However, for some reason may be it was the fact that the environment was new to me but they taught me something. A lesson that can't be taught in school. To cherish each person as they are; like stars that come in a variety of colors and sizes. And the impact that someone can have on a persons life; it can be horrible and staying or change somebody for the good. They helped me mature, made me strong in my work ethic and how not just to see outside looks like one does in kindergarten but to see someones uniqueness and quality of heart determine the real stars from the black holes. This teaching had made me open my eyes to who I am as a person as a well respected precocious, and hard working person.

You have a period after planet followed by the word and. This needs to be fixed. "It was confusing and very unpleasant seeing how I was not really keen on the idea of moving to this foreign alien planet. and was extremely anxious about how I would be received."

And in these two lines, what happened to the end of the sentences, "....split the world in two. With this news in mind I was" and "...make them feel bad,' Yeah, she is."

Besides that I do not fully understand what the essay is about. To me it seems to be racism because of the line about your complexion. However, for me it isn't all that clear as the essay doesn't directly point out anything about the location (such as where you moved from and where you moved to) or the exact details. Maybe you want it to be like that so I guess you should get an opinion from someone else.

ur essay tells the reader about a girl who's bullied n comes out of the unpleasant experience wiser n stronger. u dnt need to change from 1st person to 3rd, n u dnt need to reveal the character as urslf, unless u want to. the story can be made brilliant as it is or it can be made so with any of the point of view changes. ur grammatical errors are many bt can cured by patience n intense scrutiny before publishing it online. plus, a bit of honest advice, try to change the fictuous analogy of palaxies n planets to more real world, as it connect with more people of a wider audience. othrwise ur on the rght path. kudos.