Just wrote a quick rough-draft of my essay for the University of Florida Application, I will post the prompt followed by my draft. Thanks!!
"In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service."
"Ok, Haider, you're up next to present." These words, as they were stated by the teacher, sent chills down my spine. The words, as I understood what event they were to be followed by, made me nervous, wanting anything more in the world than the current situation. No, I did not want to speak in front of the whole class, but if I didn't feel uncomfortable doing it, then I most definitely would! As I got up in front of the class to speak about my argumentative essay, I realized things were not getting any easier. Regardless of the deep breaths and efforts to calm myself, I would get sweatier and more frightful with each second. As I spoke, I stuttered, words sounded shaky, and I talked as if a gun was pointed at me. Public speaking had got to me, and I didn't know how to defeat it.
As I started dual-enrolling at the college, I started to find that a lot of college classes require acts of presentation to classmates. It was time to step up and overcome my fear. In a critical thinking class, I had to dictate a two-thousand word essay that I had written. Luckily, it only consisted of reading off the paper. Plus, I was reading my own words. But it took more than that to calm me down and speak without having a heart-attack. As I sat there, sub-consciously listening to the other speakers, I grew anxious awaiting my turn. That's when I noticed it. I could tell that certain people were having the same problem I was. As I tuned in, I noticed that some people quivered the same way I did. They were tense just like I was. As I grasped this, I told myself that I was not alone and that we're all in this together. I also realized that public speaking is something vital to master in the future and that it cannot be eluded. I turned around and confronted my fear. I looked it straight in the eyes and told it to bring it. I went up to that podium, I read that essay, and I read it with confidence. I read with complete importance and zest. As I started to dread the size of the audience, I drove my brain to overlook the fact and continue reading. This was one of many struggles I had to face to overcome my fear of public speaking.
Although I had to overcome my fear, that was literally only the first step. The second step was to master speaking. After discovering opportunities to speak as a representative for my school in assemblies, speaking at school club conferences, and attending a speech course, my confidence level compared to day one was through the roof! Not only had I accomplished in overcoming my fear, I accomplished in mastering public speaking, making me a better speaker for my future in college and the real world.
Honestly, I feel it's a little disorganized. I would appreciate any and all small/big suggestions. I will consider all, thanks!
Hmm...
You seem to become more detached as the essay progresses. You start out with a personal anecdote, with more casual type language, then end with a more professional type analysis of your journey in public speaking. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I just want to point that out, in case you weren't. lol.
You also don't vary your sentences that much. During the paragraph about the dual-enrollment college, you constantly say "I [verb]", like "I told myself", "I realized", and "I drove". Try getting rid of some of those sentence beginnings.
Detail more on the struggles you had to face, in both mastering fear and perfecting your technique. How did they impact you in the long run, besides becoming a better speaker? Did your outlook change on life? On challenges? Try analyzing your experience on a higher level.
Also, "Public speaking had gotten to me" sound better, in my humble opinion. (Just a nitpicky thing).
Overall, though, your essay is pretty well-written. I especially liked your contrast of the public speaking experience in the beginning and end paragraphs. So this is just my two cents, bottom line. lol.
Hope my feedback helps!
Thanks! I made some changes and am hungry for MORE feedback. lol
"Ok, Haider, you're up next to present." These words, as they were stated by the teacher, sent chills down my spine. The words, as I understood what event they were to be followed by, made me nervous, wanting anything more in the world than the current situation. No, I did not want to speak in front of the whole class, but if I didn't feel uncomfortable doing it, then I most definitely would! As I got up in front of the class to speak about my argumentative essay, I realized things were not getting any easier. Regardless of the deep breaths and efforts to calm myself, I would get sweatier and more frightful with each second. As I spoke, I stuttered, words sounded shaky, and I talked as if a gun was pointed at me. Public speaking had gotten to me, and I didn't know how to defeat it.
As I started dual-enrolling at the college, I started to find that a lot of college classes require presentations to classmates. It was time to step up and overcome my fear. In a critical thinking class, all students had to dictate a two-thousand word essay that each individual had written. Luckily, it only consisted of reading off a paper. Plus, I would be reading my own words. It took more than that, however, to calm me down and speak without having a heart-attack. As I sat there, sub-consciously listening to the other speakers, I grew anxious awaiting my turn. That's when I noticed it. Certain people were having the same problem I was. As I tuned in, I noticed that some people quivered the same way I did. They were tense just like I was. As I grasped this, I told myself that I was not alone. I also realized that public speaking is something vital to master in the future and that it cannot be eluded. I turned around and confronted my fear. I looked it straight in the eyes. I went up to that podium, I read that essay, and I read it with confidence. I read with complete importance and zest. As I started to dread the size of the audience, I drove my brain to overlook the fact and continue reading. This was one of many struggles I had to face to overcome my fear of public speaking.
Although I had to overcome my fear, that was literally only the first step. The second step was to master speaking. After discovering opportunities to speak as a representative for my school in assemblies, speaking at school club conferences, and attending a speech course, my confidence level compared to day one was through the roof! This made me realize that I can, in fact, overcome obstacles that may come to me in the future, instead of going around them. Not only had I accomplished in overcoming my fear, I accomplished in mastering public speaking, making me a better speaker for my future in college and the real world.
Sorry about the week delay, was swamped by debate/Decathlon (eek!)
Anyway, this essay is much better. I liked the focus more on yourself. :D I can't find anything wrong with it so far, so I think you're ready.
Good luck with the application!
Thank you! It's funny because I sent the essay to one of my teacher's and she isn't available to read it yet because of the debate event, too. haha
