My Struggle with Personal Relationship and How I Solved It- 2016 CA Essay

"What are you doing, Kev?" yelled David as he burst into our room wide-eyed, excited, and with a basketball in his hands.
"I need to study for my economics test. What else do you think I'd be doing?" I snapped back.

Ignoring my need for silence, David began to natter about the basketball game he'd just played. It seemed like he described every play, every foul, and every shot that was made as if it was the NBA playoffs. Something snapped inside me. "Why don't you focus on your study for once? Wouldn't it be great to get an A instead of a D on your test?" I shouted at him, angry that he was wasting my precious time.

I sometimes get annoyed with my friends, but had never expressed my frustrations in such a direct and angry way. Almost immediately I regretted what I had said. We faced each other, for what seemed like endless moments of awkward silence. He had no comeback and was in a state of shock, deflated like a pin pricked balloon. And I had no way of fixing the situation.

Young adults are generally insecure beings, and I'm no exception. I used to focus a lot on study to the extent that I cared little about anything else. I was convinced that the knowledge learnt in school was all I needed in life. I thought that the more knowledge I possessed, the more success and control I would have in my life. Knowledge is power, isn't it?

But at that very moment, I had control over nothing. None of my textbooks could fix the situation-either to remove the guilt I was feeling at my roommate's silence or give me the courage to apologise. I believed that knowledge could explain the whole universe, but what about this situation? What use were all the theories and formulas I had learned at this moment in time?

In the days that followed, guilt weighed heavily on my mind. During lunchtime one day, I noticed a squirrel trying find a way into my classroom. The window, however, was blocking its way. No matter how fast or how agile it was, there was no chance the poor little creature would succeed. It dawned on me that both of us had something separating us from what we wanted or needed. For me, the window was a barrier to the outside world, keeping me locked in academia, and separated me from reality. I could look out- just like the squirrel could look in- but never ventured out. I had developed a comfort zone inside the realm of my books and had built a barrier to everyone and everything else.

It occurred to me that the knowledge I had been focusing on was purely academic; I realised I needed to learn how to manage and understand other peoples' feelings and emotions. Googling "connecting with people", I found an interesting article. It describes the role of non-verbal language in conversations and that listening is often more important than speaking. Reflecting on how I usually communicated with my friends, I realised that I usually spoke too much and didn't really listen to what they were saying. It was like I was only 'hearing' half of what they were telling me.

Suddenly, I felt enlightened. A few days later, while I was walking out of the canteen, I saw David, eyes fixed to the ground, shoulders hunched forward like an old man, heading my way. I mustered up the courage and waved my hand excitedly as if I hadn't seen him in years. When he got closer, instead of the usual 'hi', I said "what's going on? Are you playing basketball later?"

David quickly let out a big smile and began telling me about all sorts of things. We walked, I listened. This time around, I actually heard what he was saying.

Kevin, I think that giving the title without a prompt is not really helpful for the reader to check whether your essay has already successfully answered the prompt or not. It is unclear whether you only obliged to tell a story or you need to answer certain question(s) from the prompt. However, I might say that this essay has already well-written and well-developed. It also triggers the reader to read more on your essay and make us curious to see how you solve that problem with personal relationship. The ending is also heart-touching.

Even though some grammatical issues such as, ...a squirrel trying to find a way.. exist, I think that it doesn't bring serious impact towards the clarity of your essay. The reviewer will be able to overlook the slight grammar errors in your essay. However, you should still strive to write a grammatically correct essay as much as possible.

Also, I think that your essay will look better if you switch the usage of coordinate connectors such as, "but", "and", to begin your sentence. You can begin your sentence by using more appropriate cohesive devices such as, "However/Nevertheless" to replace "but", "In addition/Furthermore/Moreover" to replace "and". This would make your essay stylistically better than before.

Hope this helps :)

Yankun, it is pretty obvious that you are responding to the problem you have solved or would like to solve prompt from the common app listed topics. I have to commend you for developing a wonderful paper. The story you narrated was right on the mark. Involving the reader in the events unfolding and wishing that you would get to the resolution of the situation sooner, rather than later, as you presented the resolution with David at the very end of the paper. The problem is truly a crippling one for most people who have dedicated their lives to academics.

While the essay closed on a hopeful note, because you did reconcile with your roommate, I think that it is important for the reader to know how far you have come in terms of resolving your being socially closed off. I believe that further illustration of how you have (almost) overcome the personal hindrance will help the reader see that your problem is a work in progress and that the solutions are never ending because you will always be growing socially as a person. The story should not end with you reconciling with David. Instead, it should end with you opening up to the world as you prepare to move on to the next phase of your social development as a college student.

@ichanpants89
Thank you Mochtar for your advice! Since it's my first thread on this website, I am that familiar with how the system works.

Here is the prompt: The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

Yankun, whether it is the problem prompt or the failure prompt, your essay works for either common app discussion. It works because it shows both a problem that you had to resolve a failure on your part when it came to successfully socializing with your peers and roommate in particular. The advice that I gave you above for the improvement of your essay will also apply in both instances since you are in effect, hitting two birds with one stone in this essay. It is important to properly conclude the story because the narrative needs to close with a focus on you as a person and as someone who is still learning continuous lessons through the failure to communicate and socialize that you experienced.