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My struggle with my surroundings-Feedback


bob123 1 / -  
Nov 19, 2010   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

A person's background can tell you a lot about their personality because usually their background shapes them. There are many significant factors that can affect a person mentally and physically such as family, friends, community etc. My surroundings of my peers and my family have shaped my aspirations and dreams. Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by gang members, smokers, and drinkers, people who could care less about the world they live in. Moreover, my cousin and friends try to lure me into becoming one of them. When I look at each one of them, I see no dreams, no future, and no success. I struggle to stay strong as each one of them tries to pull me down from reaching my dreams. As time goes by, I realize that this challenge has shaped me into a completely strong person who ready to surpass any obstacle that awaits me.

My brother and cousin are well-known gang members. Both of them drink occasionally and smoke daily. My cousin is one of the people I respect, but one thing I dislike about him is the fact he always peer pressuring me to smoke and drink with him. He frequently tells me how much it would help me abandon stress and get through problems in life. By the way he describes it, it sounds really fun and somewhere in the back of my subconscious, I want to try it. At the age of seventeen, I have no idea what cigarettes or alcohol tastes like. I am a young man full of curiosity, but my cautions always encourage me to reject the offers. Unlike my cousin, my brother constantly reminds me to not follow his mistakes and try hard in school. He informs me about the importance of education and the need to be successful in life.

Not only do I have to deal with peer pressure from my cousin, but also from my friends. In school, I hang out with a group of friends who the school considers as gangsters. Everyone in the group all drink and smoke except me. They do not care about their education or their future. Many times they would pull out cigarettes and start to smoke in front of me, attempting to get me into smoking. They would also offer me one but I decline them as I remember the words my brother told me.

This challenge has helped me realized that I am surrounded by smokers and drinkers and i should not give into the peer pressure. If I do give into the peer pressure I may follow the lives of brother, cousin, and my peers. That life is not the life I want and I want to pursue my dream of getting an education and being successful in life.

I know very well that if I make one bad mistake, it will affect my entire life. Being encouraged to smoke by many people makes it hard to stay above the influence. Nevertheless, I won't be another smoker, drinker, or gang member in my family or among my peers. I will stand strong and won't let the voice of others influence me. Moreover, I will continue to try my best in school and eventually reach my dreams.

HarvestBristle 6 / 11  
Nov 20, 2010   #2
"There are many significant factors that can affect a person mentally and physically, such as family, friends, community etc."

"My surroundings of my peers and my familysurrounding peers and family have shaped my aspirations and dreams."

You are quite a powerful writer, this essay is written very well other than a few minor mistakes

good luck!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 28, 2010   #3
A person's background can tell you.... significant factors that can affect a person mentally and physically such as family, friends, community etc. This part is not helpful. The reader already knows this.

My surroundings of my peers and my family have shaped my aspirations and dreams. This does not actually tell anything about you.

Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by gang members, smokers, and drinkers, people who could care less about the world they live in.---Now you are starting to write about your surroundings! Excellent. I wish this was the first sentence of the essay.

Everyone All people in the group all drink and smoke except me.

They do not care about their education or their future. Many times they would pull out cigarettes and start to smoke in front of me, attempting to get me into smoking. When I read this sentence, I think, "Hey, didn't he already tell me this in previous paragraphs?

Do you know anyone your age who does not smoke or drink? I hope you spend some time with friends who are serious about education instead of drinking!

This essay only tells about one aspect of your world... and I think you should condense it into a single paragraph. Add new dimensions to it, and spend at least 1 or 2 paragraphs discussinfg the aspirations you have as the result of your experiences and contemplation. Let this be an expression of your life-philosophy and your plan for the future.

:-) I think you focused too much on peer pressure.


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