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My struggle with teamwork and leadership


toast93 1 / 1  
Sep 23, 2010   #1
Please provide a Personal Statement regarding how your academic achievements, personal interests, and life experiences have helped prepare you to succeed academically and to be an active member of the UC community. Be sure your response addresses each of the three components. (Please limit your response to approximately 250 words).

Some people have a natural ability to lead. I'm definitely not one of those people. When a teacher would assign group projects I was always the kid that sat off to the side and watched the others. Not because I couldn't do the work but because I was uncomfortable working with people.

During my freshman year I realized that I needed strong interpersonal skills in order to succeed in the real world. The solution found me before I even knew it. The summer before my sophomore year I got a job at Kings Island. My first day was terrifying. I was completely out of my comfort zone, interacting with hundreds of people I've never met before. By the end of the day I was completely drained. Not because of the physical aspect of the job but because of the mental and social strain it put on me.

It wasn't long before I began to notice a huge improvement in my interpersonal skills. When participating in group projects I no longer sat off to the side but actually began taking leadership positions. My grades and relationships with teachers also improved because I was no longer afraid to have one-on-one conversations with my teachers. I even felt more at ease when making speeches and presentations to large audiences.

This is just one of the many obstacles I've had to overcome in my life and I believe it has better prepared me to become an active member of the UC community.

****Comments on how to improve my essay would be greatly appreciated****

murtaza101 1 / 10  
Sep 25, 2010   #2
Lines 2 & 5:- Never start a sentence with "Not" instead make it look like this:
.... to the side and watched the others, not because I couldn't do the work....

Generally speaking, the prompt asks to address "academic achievements", I felt you could have written more on that component of the statement, by giving a bit more info on academic distinctions or competitions you've participated in like spelling bees, quiz bowls, high honors rolls and awards if any.

I hope this was helpful :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Sep 26, 2010   #3
Some people have a natural ability to lead. I'm definitely not one of those people. W

hahahhah nice job! The admissions office reader probably sees so many essays about "I am a natural leader" that it is refreshing to see one like this.

Murtaza is correct about Not. Another option is to do this:
I acted this way not because I couldn't do the work but because I was uncomfortable working with people.

Grant, I think most of this should be revised. Put it in this form:
Discuss academic achievements
Discuss interests
Discuss experiences
Do this in three brief paragraphs.
keeny77 2 / 8  
Sep 26, 2010   #4
For the first paragraph, I would make sure the app reader knows that your inability to lead is in the past.

"Some people have a natural ability to lead. I am not one of those people. In the years before high school, I was the kid who sitting on the side watching the alpha males and females take charge..."

Also, an important distinction: did you watch the other kids and not do work because you were uncomfortable, or did you do work but just not speak up? I think it's risky to imply you didn't do work/contribute at all.
OP toast93 1 / 1  
Sep 27, 2010   #5
Thanks for all the great feedback!

After reading your comments I realized that my essay doesn't clearly answers the 3 components of the prompt. I'm probably going to throw this one away and organize the new one like EF Kevin suggested:

Discuss academic achievements
Discuss interests
Discuss experiences


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