is there anything wrong with my essay?
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
America is a land of freedom and opportunity. My parents had come here for an opportunity for a better life. Before I was born, my family lived in China. My grandparents from both parents' sides fled to Vietnam as Communism took over. My parents were both born in Vietnam and their families struggled to make a living. When my parents were young they had to drop out of school to work and help out their families. As they reached the age I am today, Communism began to take over Vietnam. Both my parents fled to refugee camps: my dad to Malaysia and my mom to the Philippines. They soon left to go to America...
Your submission:
America is a land of freedom and opportunity. My parents came ("had come" implies that they came here for reason x, but that circumstance y changed their plans) here for an opportunity for a better life. Before I was born, my family lived in China. My grandparents-- from both parents' sides-- fled to Vietnam as Communism took over. My parents were both born in Vietnam and their families struggled to make a living. When my parents were young they had to drop out of school to work and help out their families. As they reached the age I am at (you're not an age, you're at an age) today, Communism began to take over Vietnam. Both my parents fled to refugee camps: my dad to Malaysia and my mom to the Philippines. They soon left to go to America to get reunited with their families and finally meet for the first time many years later.
In America my parents were married and had four children: three boys and one daughter. I was the youngest of the four. In California, my parents were successful in finding jobs; my dad found a job at Apple Computer and my mom worked for LifeScan. They succeeded in finding a better life for my family.
As I grew up, my parents were both out at work during the daytime and ca me home later in the nighttime. It never occurred to me that they had done nothing else but work, until one day. Being curious , I wondered where they came from and how they had gotten here to the United States. One night as they came home from work, I decided to ask them about it. They told me all of their stories and I was amazed. I had no clue that they had gone through all of that trouble to get to America, until that moment . From then on, I began to cherish my life and place value in my education. I felt lucky to be where I was and that I owe my parents a great debt.
Even though my parents have been through a lot, they are not the stereotypical Chinese or Asian parents. They have never beaten me or ever worried about my education. All that really mattered to them was that I was to stay a good heart. To myself, I hold a lot of value in my education as well as my own being. The lives of my parents have shaped my dreams and aspirations to become successful in everything I do life.
Also, I suggest combining some sentences to eliminate choppiness.
Thank you so much for the help! I really appreciate it xD
No problem, feel free to offer any scathing criticism for my application :P
Hey, you have a lot of great substance in your essay but remember the prompt is ALSO asking about YOUR dreams and aspirations! You should add some more information about maybe how it made you feel or what it made you want to do.The readers in admissions want to get to know your family and background but, you're the one they're accepting! Best of luck!
