im trying to get into u of m so this is the admissions essay. i wrote this up but it took me FOREVER and i dont feel like its my best work. its probably because I am so stressed lately and plus i have a deadline. i am so stumped and i know this essay needs something but im not sure what...any tips would help.
Essay Question: Decribe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?
The Struggles of Being An Albanian Female
Growing up, I definitely had a far different lifestyle than the average American. If I had a cut or a sore throat, my parents' remedy was moonshine. Whenever I was disobedient, I was disciplined with a fly swatter, not with a timeout. In the morning, my breakfast would not be cereal, but rather "buk" and "djathe."(Bread and sheep cheese) Attending a wedding with around a thousand guests, and having guns shot during a ceremony was a typical weekend event for me. Kissing other Albanians, including strangers, twice on each cheek was a normal greeting. As an Albanian, I was raised with these customs since the day I was born. Looking back, I have always been extremely proud to be apart of such a rich culture. However, there were some things about my culture that were not so pleasant. In fact, one particular aspect has proved to be my biggest setback in life. Struggling with the traditions I was expected to uphold as an Albanian female has affected me greatly, especially when it came to the matter of education.
For as far back as I can remember, my parents already predetermined that I would follow all the traditions of an Albanian women, even though I was born and raised in America. I would graduate high school, get married by someone they choose, and start a family. According to Albanian tradition, this was the only acceptable and appropriate choice a woman could make. Choosing a lifestyle other than this, such as going to college, was considered extremely disrespectful to family and also morally loose. As a result of such strong cultural pressures, I always felt that my hopes and dreams for going to a University and receiving a good education, were dashed. It was really hard for me to accept that just because I was a female in my culture, I was being hindered from living up to my full potential in life.
Unfortunately, the more I tried to resolve the issue by communicating my thoughts about education with my family, the more opposition I received. I was told that if I chose to go away to a University, I would be the biggest embarrassment in our family and I would be viewed as a hooker to the rest of the Albanian community. I was really torn. On one hand I did not want to disappoint my entire family. However on the other hand, I felt that going to college was the right choice and it did not matter that I was a female.
To this day, I am still struggling with this aspect of my culture. Despite all the resistance my family has given me, I have decided I am going to college. Although all the cultural pressures are going to continue to be a setback in my life for a while, I know I am going to get through it. I am confident that by getting accepted into University of Michigan, not only will I be able to prove to my family that I am able to succeed in life but I will also be able to show that being a female should not stop anyone from having that chance to fulfill their hopes and dreams.
Excellent essay. Well-written from the heart. Here are some grammatical changes:
"Attending a wedding with around a thousand guests, and having guns shot during a ceremony was a typical weekend event for me." Try "At the weddings I would attend on weekends, the ceremony was celebrated with gunfire rather than thrown rice." Or something along those lines. The original sentence is awkward.
"However, there are some things about my culture that were not so pleasant."
"my parents have been determined that I will follow all the traditions of an Albanian woman"
"my hopes and dreams for going to university "
I would graduate high school, get married to someone they chose , and start a family.
This essay is great, interesting and well written.
Good luck in school!
:)
