"struggles" central florida. short essay

My palms were sweaty, heartbeat racing, and footsteps trembling. As I walked into those narrow double doors, the loud bell rang and students ran rapid through the halls. My first day of ninth grade! Not knowing what to expect, a habitual move and a positive attitude walked through the halls that day. Considering the fact that I was a military brat, moving was very routine. With my parent's sudden divorce after my dad's "welcome home" from Iraq, this move was one of the worst. My mom and I moved back to Colorado my eight grade year. After a year of being separated, my parents got back together. Constant fighting between my parents forced me to become a very independent person, never to allow others to dictate my life. Seeing that my lifestyle had been very unstable and uncompromising my choice to apply to UCF is one that I feel would better myself. I'd be considered a first generation college student. No one's every given me anything. I've always had to work for everything I want. Test scores and Grade point averages shouldn't define a person. It would be an honor to go to UCF! Everything about the university from its Location, campus life, and opportunities makes Central Florida my absolute top choice. Now that everything seems to be going okay at home, my parents want to move back to Colorado. Everything depends on whether or not I get into UCF. I figured, finally I would have a life of my own to be able to make decisions for myself. My intended major is Public Relations and Hospitality. I know what I want; I am a very motivated and determined individual. All I'm asking for is an opportunity to become successful at your University.

1. Why did you choose to apply to UCF? and "Bump in the road" combined

seems like you just reposted the other thread.
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.Why you choose to apply to UCF

Not knowing what to expect,...[what do you mean?]
and military brat :? why this term usage?
never to allow others to dictate my life
ever given
Test scores...[this should be a new paragraph.]

grade/location/

"Everything depends on whether or not I get into UCF." putting your life in the admin officers' hands. I'm not sure if you should add that.

I figured, ...[sounds informal]

your university

Try splitting your essay into pieces that flow more.
Try to answer the prompt in a more defined way, instead of avoiding the bump, tell why

i agree with everything the person above me said

also:

do footsteps tremble? you might want a different description

"students ran rapidly"

you mention your parent's divorce, how does that affect you other than just moving?

'No one's ever given me anything..." i don't know if you should write that because it sounds very negative

when you say that "test scores and ..." you seem to be implying that you don't have good scores and you kinda just drop that in outta nowhere

i think you give us so much info (parents, divorce, military, moving) but don't explain anything. For example you begin with your first day of ninth grade but then you never talk about it!

like miesj0n said it doesn't quite flow

hope i helped =)