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'Stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean' - Background / Story Central to Identity

lancelot12 1 / -  
Jul 22, 2014   #1
I don't have anyone I can talk to who can help me with my paper for applying to colleges. Any idea or thoughts will help me out a lot. Thank you and be critical! This is my first draft

PROMPT: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Sweltering heat and no food or drinkable water. Deserting the past and leaving home for anything other than going back to a war torn Vietnam. My parents would always tell me this story. The story of how they were presented very few opportunities in life and the hardships that they have had face in order to tell me that I am lucky. That I am fortunate. Fortunate that I don't have to walk 10 miles to go to school. Fortunate that I have clean water. Fortunate that I have the time to pursue whatever interests me. Fortunate that I have an opportunity for a good education. In Vietnam, my parents were stuck in a cycle of poverty. Limited education followed everyday by hours of work on a farm, tending to crops and caring for livestock only to grow up to take over the family farm and raise kids who would then takeover for them. That's how life was like for many in Vietnam until the Vietnam War took place. The opportunity that this war presented was life changing- the opportunity to escape. And they seized their opportunity. My parents got onto whatever boat they saw with all the food they could hold in their hands and set out to America. Keenly aware of these hardships my parents had to overcome, I, as a result, have a humbled perspective on life. The desire to help whoever is in need as well as take advantage of the opportunity that I have as a citizen in the land of the free. Assimilating into American culture and language has been a big part of my life so far, but I do not want this to restrain my education or my character. I want to make my parents proud. I want to make them happy that what they have gone through and had to sacrifice was not for nothing. Other than pursuing my hobbies by being involved in clubs and sports, I have spent a lot of time outside of school to volunteer, most recently being at Lutheran General Hospital. I aspire to be a doctor when I grow up so that I can provide for my family as well as help others with the education I have and will receive.

dchege711 2 / 6 1  
Jul 23, 2014   #2
hmmm... you should probably eliminate the sentence fragments especially at the beginning n turn them into sentences. also reduce the repetition where you finish a sentence with one word only to start the next with the same word; try combining them... just asking, is the essay about you or your parents? coz I don't get the 'you' part of the essay. you've shared what your parents went through.... am also preparing my common app.

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