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"Stuck in the Moment"--Common application question


jmadrigales 2 / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"Zooom, zoooom" , I could hear the whizzing of the cars as I passed them in my mom's newly acquired vehicle. I felt the cold sweat running down my already teary eyed face. I could hear the engine working harder as I pressed upon the accelerator till I couldn't anymore. I was going to my secret thinking spot because I was in a confused state of mind. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. All this stress and chaos around me just made me break down even more. Never in my life had I been more baffled. As I turned onto a windy road I could smell the infamous dead skunk down the road and I knew I was almost there.

Dead silence surrounded me as I sat there in my car. It was as if all the life had been sucked out of everything around me. I thought about all the things and obligations I had. 3 full running start classes, 2 high school courses, football, homecoming, a wedding, and many other things. I needed to please so many people. I just couldn't let anybody down because that is not what I'm about. Was it all worth it? How do I get all of these things done? My mom always used to tell me "Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize!" God, family, school, and everything else follows is what I liked to say that I do. Does that always happen? Of course not! I love challenges but I think I went a bit in over my head this time.

I was there for what seemed like an eternity sitting in my car thinking. I finally decided to head back home. I had not really accomplished anything there. It was not as a significant moment as I thought it would be. However, what happened next was. As I was driving back down the same windy road, I had tunnel vision. I just concentrated on the road directly in front of me. All of a sudden, I saw a tiny flash in my small peripheral and slammed into a 4 by 4 point deer. All I heard was a giant "BOOM!" and I felt my neck whiplash as the impact of the hit finally came through my body. I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't believe what just happened. Maybe if I closed my eyes it would all go away...No there was still a huge dent in the car and a dead dear in the road. I saw my whole senior year flash before my eyes. Not because I thought I was going to die but because I thought my mom was going to take each and every single one of my privileges away. My first thought was to just get out and run away but I thought against it and decided the right thing to do was to call my mom. I called her with shaking arms and a trembling voice. My mother is strict woman who cares deeply about her possessions. I was expecting a full out war of words over the phone but what actually happened surprised me. Not only did she not get mad but she actually was sympathetic and supportive. It was a defining moment in my life.

I realized the way I felt about my mom was all based on her not letting me do things that I wanted to do. It all changed at that moment. My mom and I now have a closer relationship because of that instant in time. She told me, "Don't worry about my car. Just as long as your fine, so am I", she went on to say, "I support whatever you do in life. Just make sure you enjoy your last year of high school and don't let it over power you." I believe I work harder and prioritize a lot better because of this incident. It also taught me not to be so judgmental like I was towards my mom.

Its really in its raw stages right now. Any and all criticism is appreciated! :)
summergo 1 / 10  
Oct 29, 2010   #2
I can see it's really raw! I think you don't have to write so many about your secret thinking place in paragraph1 and your troubles in paragraph2 if you want to focus on the accident and your mom...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 5, 2010   #3
I could hear the engine working harder as I pressed upon the accelerator till I couldn't anymore.

I don't know if this is a good sentence to include. It makes it sound like you were speeding, which is seriously irresponsible given the number of auto fatalities each year. So... it makes you look bad to the reader!

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. ----This also does not help. I don't want to have eyou be dishonest, ut it is probably good to tell the reader some good, impressive things.

The detail about the skunk seems arbitrary.

Not because I thought I was going to die but because I thought my mom was going to take each and every single one of my privileges away.---Ahh! Terrible! What about the deer? You really are batting zero when it comes to writing an essay that will impress the reader.

Alright, the bottom line is that the essence of this essay could be conveyed with just two sentences: I wrecked my mom's car and thought she would punish me severely, but she was compassionate. From this I learned ________... and continue the essay from here. All the rest of what you have written makes a bad impression! Sorry to be critical. :-)


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