The second short paragraph is really unnecessary to the presentation. The paragraph is not related to a specific reason for your excitement. It is only a general reference to the general courses offered by your chosen major and the academic atmosphere of the school. Both of which are generic and undeveloped references.
with my vision
What vision? Normally, the clubs relate to the development of a future financial network or, the personal and social development of the student during the academic stay at BU.
BU's business student groups
Pick one and be definite about your reasons why you are interested in that group. Do not forget that generic responses will always be seen as "safe" responses that are given when the student has not really done enough research into the university, course offerings, and student community. That type of answer does not impress the reviewer.