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'a student committed suicide' - UC prompt 2

michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 29, 2011   #1
"Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

My freshman year of high school a student committed suicide. Her name was Samantha Stevens. She was an eleventh grade honors student, a star athlete, and a truly remarkable person. I met her when I was just a shy six year old, I moved into my new house and she was my new neighbor. Her personality astonished me. She was loud and adventurous, we were complete opposites. She taught me how to rollerblade even if I was absolutely terrified. Every time I fell she would pick me up and show me how to do it right. She moved after two years and I didn't see her again till high school, where we played water polo together and the connection we once had was renewed. She forced me to do "lob" shots during practice even though I never made a goal. "You're getting better, try again!" her words became imprinted in my brain.

I remember the day she died perfectly. I was out to dinner with my mom and I left my phone in the car. In the middle of our dinner my eldest brother, who was at UCSB, called to see if we had heard the bad news. We left the restaurant immediately and I ran to the car to get my phone. I could barely breathe when I saw six missed calls and a new voicemail appear on the screen. I played the message; it was my best friend and teammate. I could barely make out her words through her sobs and I could feel her pain through the phone. I didn't understand what was happening and I didn't believe a word. My hands started shaking and I dropped to the ground. My mother held me for what felt like an eternity, I tried to calm down and breathe slowly.

My mom dropped me off at my best friend's house where the team was meeting. It was silent at first; we just sat around a fire pit outside and stared into the flames, each of us trying to understand why Sam would ever do such a thing. Then a senior girl who was closest to Sam told a story about her. It wasn't a meaningful one, just a funny thing Sam said at practice once. Eventually everyone, but me, started sharing stories both silly and serious. It was like I was the shy little six year old all over again I was too afraid to talk because I didn't want to fall. I imagined what Sam would say if she knew what I was thinking. At that moment I started to tell of story of when Sam and I were young, and I could hear her encouraging words as I got the courage to speak.

Because of Sam I learned how to rollerblade and do a "lob" shot but more than anything else she taught me to try things I think I am incapable of. I push myself to be the best because I know that there is no limit on what I can achieve as long as I have the courage to fall and the drive to pick myself back up and try again. I apply this quality to my education by never limiting myself on what school I can attend or what degree I will strive for. Achieving my dream of being a doctor is something that I will never stop trying at no matter how many times I fall.

any hints would be helpful!:)
mtph 2 / 5  
Nov 29, 2011   #2
It seems like you are telling more of a story than actually writing to the admin officer about how this specific person changed your life. If you wrote more about how it relates to the person you are, I think it will be good! Maybe try to elaborate on your dreams of becoming a doctor? It was a little random how you added that in at the end. Good luck! :)

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