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Undergraduate Student Exchange Presonal Statement Essay, How to make it well?


anisa yosef 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2009   #1
The Scholarship Application needs a personal essay which is describe my self and detailed description of my academic objectives and reason why I wish to pursue them in the USA. Also discussing my both term of study and my own personal development. Describing the type of program I wish to pursue in the US and how it relates to my academic background and interest and my objectives for the future.

I come from a small family in Grobogan. It is a small village, far away from city with less public facilities, in Central Java. Since I was a child, people always known me as a friendly and hyperactive little girl. I was also known as a brilliant one. I always elected as a class leader when I was at Elementary School and Junior High School. I am very proud of that. When everybody afraid to be elected as a leader because it has so many things to do, I choose to do that. To be a leader, with its responsibilities and risks, means that my classmates trust me to lead them. I respect their trust by helping them as far as I can and consider them as a part of my extended family. I still keep in touch with most of Elementary to Senior High School classmates. I was also became the bright student in any part of my study. I always graduated with good grade from Elementary School to Senior High School. In fact, I won the third place when I was in the Junior High School. I love challenge. After I graduated from Junior High School, I asked my parents to send me to the best Senior High School even though it took 25 kilometers to go. It must go early in the morning unless I got late because every school in Indonesia always starts at 7 in the morning. I did it happily as I wanted to make my parents proud of me. New environment as well as new rivals makes me struggle more to get good grades. Although I got stuck at the first grade, finally I able to won the first place on my second and third grades.

Besides encouraging me to get any academic achievement, my parents also push me to be part of any activities at school and neighborhood. I love to do a team work and working with anybody who were interested in developing themselves. I join the school organizations as well as the neighborhood communal organizations.

English was always interesting for me since I was in Elementary School. Because I am good at it, I often join English competitions and won many prices. That is why my parents advice me to continue my study to an English College or English Department at any famous university. They were always became my spirit in study. I want to make them proud of me because not many girls graduated from there in my village. I choose the English Department of the Faculty of Cultural Science, Diponegoro University, at Semarang, the capital of Central Java Province. It was the nearest one from my village. I took literature and American Cultural Studies as my interest of study because I wanted to know more about it. I join UNDIP choir because I love to sing and performed at some university events with many friends with different voices. I also join the English Department Students Association as a volunteer in E - Camp event because I love to do activities that demands commitment and responsibilities with extra time, money and a lot of work to do. I hope that these experiences would be beneficial for my future.

I wish I could have any scholarship to US because I wanted to study about the different ethnic groups. Their cultural background, their ways of thinking and how they solve problems. I also want to share mine to them. Because I was raised in a pure Javanese family, I can speak Javanese, sing Javanese songs and dance Javanese dances very well. I want to learn more about cross-cultural understanding through Global Undergraduate Student Exchange.

In addition, I want to pursue a career in educational field like to be an English lecturer. It was my plan since I was a child. That is why I work hard on it by dedicating myself to study hard and join UNDIP activities to develop myself. Being self-motivated and goal-oriented person, I was able to get 3.30 for my GPA. I hope that my organizational experiences will be valuable in developing my teaching competency.

I hope that by sharing my background I have been able to give you an information about who I am and what I want to do in the future by getting this opportunity. I would be honored and grateful for any assistance you are willing to provide me. Your investment in me will not only beneficial for me but also for human being in the whole world.

the personal essay should be maximum 500 words, although I think that's not enough to explain at all. Would you please help me to give your advice for my essay better? maybe there are some unusual name of place because I come from Asia :)

I thank you for any help you've given about my essay,
Regards
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 29, 2009   #2
Since I was a child, people have always known...

Here is an idea I had:
I always elected as a class leader when I was at Elementary School and Junior High School, and those are accomplishments in which I take great pride.

... required twenty-five kilometers of travel to get there. The trip always began early in the morning, unless I got late because every school in Indonesia always starts at 7 in the morning. I did it happily as I wanted to make my parents proud of me.

The new environment and new rivals make me struggle more to get good grades. Although I got stuck at the first grade, finally I was able to win first place ...

Your investment in me will not only beneficial for me but also for human beings all over the world.

I hope they give you the scholarship!!!
linmark /  
Oct 29, 2009   #3
OK Anisa, Here are some corrections IN CAPS that Kevin missed:
1) When WHILE everybody OTHERS DID NOT WANT afraid to be elected as a leader because OF ITS OBLIGATIONS?? it has so many things to do , THAT WAS WHAT I WANTED choose to do that.

2) I was ALWAYS the bright BRIGHTEST student in any part of my CLASS study. I always AND graduated with good grade (GRADES) from Elementary School ALL THE WAY THROUGH to HIGH SCHOOL.

3) prices (PRIZES.) That is why my parents advice (ADVISED) me to continue my study to an English College ... They were always became my INSPIRATIONspirit in study.

4) I love to do a team work and working WORK WITH anyone WHO IS ... I join (JOINED) the school organizations.. YOU SHOULD USE THE PAST TENSE IN ALL THE OTHER PARTS OF YOUR ESSAY.

THERE ARE A FEW MORE PARTS THAT SHOULD BE CORRECTED BUT I HAVE TO RUN TO DINNER. GOOD LUCK!!
OP anisa yosef 1 / 2  
Nov 3, 2009   #5
thank you so much, is there any point of the essay prompt that I missed?
from here I would like to know my qualification in my Upper Intermediate Writing, considering that my professor is an American native. And sure my grammar is not good enough, very helpful.

one additional thing, is the word "I" (me) should be capitalize in every place of sentence or paragraph? because my prof said that from the American perspective of writing, the word "I" can also not capitalized

Lin, I'll be waiting for the next correction, hopefully you will have a leasure time for this :)
linmark /  
Nov 3, 2009   #6
You have answered the prompt.
I am not familiar with the Upper Intermediate Writing qualification. You prof is wrong - the word "I" is ALWAYS capitalized in formal writing (not mandatory elsewhere i.e. SMS.) I can look over your essay if you send a corrected version, but I don't have time to go through and correct everything, sorry. If your objective is to be an English teacher, this should be a worthwhile exercise.


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