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Student with passion for technology - UBC Personal Profile - Who are you?

ng864 4 / 6 3  
Oct 15, 2019   #1
Hello, this is my personal profile application for UBC. Please help with suggestions on what to fix to improve it.

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

I am a dedicated student with a never-ending curiosity and a passion for technology and its potential to shape the future. Throughout my life, as I discovered new things, the question of "How does it work?" has always been the first to come to mind. Through attempts to find the answers to these questions, I discovered a craving to learn more about computers, software and their implications for the future of the world. As an immigrant, watching my parents gain so much in Canada inspires me to work hard and make the most of my opportunities to improve myself and the world.

My friends would describe me as a persistent and insightful individual that loves to share new information. While appreciating what I add to discussions, they admire that I am always working towards goals without yielding. Additionally, my teachers characterize me as responsible and independent. They describe me as someone always on task, working well individually and in groups. My parents recognize me as confident and open-minded, noting that I listen to various opinions and have a strong faith in myself and my ability to succeed.

I am most proud of overcoming my inhibitions. From my childhood to early teenage years, I had always been shy and quiet. In the past few years, I have intentionally stepped out of my comfort zone, challenging myself to be more outgoing. I have changed as a person for the better, and I hope I can continue to improve myself.

One at a time.
Maria - / 1098 389  
Oct 18, 2019   #2
Hi. Thanks for your continuous support and feedback into this site. We're hoping that you've learned something valuable out of it. I'm here now to give feedback on this essay of yours.

First and foremost, while I appreciate the first paragraph, you still need to improve and strengthen the realness of your writing. You were talking quite a lot about aspirations, but it would be better if you could focus more on innate values that makes you distinguishable from others.

Furthermore, the latter parts of the essay were already becoming quite repetitive with the adjectives and such. What I would suggest is trying to compartmentalize everything in a better light by using language that is more sophisticated. Try to elaborate per value to avoid being too repetitive with your utterances.

Best of luck.

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