Hello, this is my first post on this forum. It would be great if someone here could review my essay's ideas and mechanics"
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
Starting up a student-run tutoring club during the beginning of my junior year was much more difficult than I originally envisioned. The concept sounded superb on paper: a free, all-subject, twice-a-week tutoring service open to all students who needed help. Excited about my idea, I presented my plan to the attendees of the first National Honor Society meeting of the 2008-2009 school year. To my surprise, almost none of the students at the gathering displayed any signs of interest. I was very disappointed and even discouraged to a certain extent about the success of my brainchild.
It took a decent amount of time for the tutoring club to gain momentum. In its early stages, I volunteered my time twice a week at every tutoring session. I had to call many students individually via telephone in order to increase involvement, as many National Honor Society members ignored the tutoring sign-up sheet while it was passed around at meetings. Regardless, I continued pressing my case.
Despite these challenges, the tutoring club began to take off the ground. As I continued advocating tutoring in front of the National Honor Society, more and more students began to attend the sessions as tutors. Simultaneously, more students came to the tutoring club seeking help. The result was very satisfying: increased demand for academic help met by a growing supply of mentors. Had I faltered under the initial weight of lack of student interest, none of the tutoring club's success would have been achieved.
My main initial concern is that the ending seems awfully brief; most of the essay is devoted to describing the hardships, while the payoff at the end isn't quite strong enough. It also could use more emotional punch - describing the trends, although important, doesn't really connect it to anything the reader can relate to. Maybe you could talk about the satisfaction of seeing people grow? Or the pride of having created such a helpful organization? I'd just try to strengthen the ending, however you see fit.
If you have the time to look at mine, by the way, I'd greatly appreciate it!
It took a significant amount of time for the tutoring club to gain momentum. ----> the way you had written it was perfectly alright, but I thought I would give you the word significant to consider...
This is such good writing, I wonder if you want to check out the EF Contributor page and continue your tutoring here with us!
With these three solid paragraphs, there is not much room for improvement, but one thing that might be nice would be to add some thoughts at the end about what lesson you learned from this. I see that you do mention that you succeeded because of not having allowed yourself to falter when it was discouraging, but maybe you can do even better than that. What was it that caused them to start taking an interest? Was there something you initially had done wrong? What did this experience teach you about the science of leadership and the psychology of motivation?
Needless to say, this essay is quite impressive because of your great accomplishment.
