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Some students have a background or story; A Quest Of My Own

rosek 1 / -  
Oct 27, 2013   #1
PROMPT: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Who would have known that as a Jewish girl I could kneel in a Muslim mosque in the Middle East then return home to see such hostility amongst the religions on the headlines of CNN. Who would have guessed that I could feel so much more important wearing a homemade ribbon bracelet given to me by Briana, a young girl I worked with on the small island of Jose Van Dyke, than a pin I received from the president himself.

There is a theory in literature that the protagonist of any story is always on a journey or quest for self-knowledge, whether literal or symbolic, the character learns something about themselves that they seem to have been searching for all along whether they knew it or not. My story, my life's novel is not solely shaped from my own thoughts and actions, but cultures, people, and perspectives I have encountered are what truly wrote it. I do not know when I truly recognized my passion; perhaps it was when I was clothed in an Hijab, on my knees in a mosque located at the center of the Hura Bedouin Village in Southern Israel, or when the little girl led me around her island town with such pride, along the way teaching me about the native fruits we picked off of trees, and speaking about her dreams of becoming a teacher just like the women who taught her. It could have been staring up in curiosity at the structures built thousands of years ago by the Mayans, or talking with a man who owned potentially millions of dollars worth of land but was perfectly content living in a run-down shack of a house with gapping holes in the roof and only a mattress to sleep on, as long as he had his guitar. It is the backgrounds of individuals of which I have encountered and the places rich in culture that I have seen that have contributed to my own.

The story essential to my background includes many different places and experiences, but they seem to have all contributed to my quest. As high school comes to a close, I realize how blessed I am to have been able to experience dozens of moments of pure amazement. I feel as though I now have a responsibility to work hard with the knowledge acquired not only from academic teachers, but also from my peers, my community, and especially the inspiring people from around the globe. It is the diversity I have encountered, and the understanding that every moment presents the opportunity to diversify one's thinking, will contribute to your student body. I do not believe actions define me, but it is what I have gained from the special moments that I will be able to recall for the rest of my life that make me who I am.

They say there is no peace in sight for the Middle East yet I have never felt more peaceful in the middle of it, they say students in Detroit may be perceived as a lost cause but I've never seen a child more excited to solve a math problem in her new book I handed to her for Christmas. Who I have become through my experiences is the type of person that would prosper your classes, environment, and even opportunities outside of the classroom and I know that would provide me with the tools needed to succeed throughout my life. I have seen seemingly impossible things occur around the world and around my community. I am the student who utilizes the tools given to me and tries to make the impossible happen, because it can.

kaough 1 / 6  
Oct 28, 2013   #2
Saying "the type of person that would prosper your classes" sounds strange
maybe you would prosper in their classes is more along the lines of what you meant

Also I find the last sentence to be somewhat of a cliché just because you always hear about making the impossible possible and such

there are definitely lots of other ways you could convey the same meaning in a more refreshing way

In the sentenfce " As high school comes to a close, I realize how blessed I am to have been able to experience dozens of moments of pure amazement." maybe it would sound more powerful to say "As high school comes to a close, I realize how blessed I am to have had such amazing life experiences while so young and to have learned so much from them" or find another way to not close the sentence with moments of pure amazement which i find to sound sort of fishy.

You have tons of awesome experiences and a neat writing style which makes for a strong essay
I wish you the best of luck in you college life

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