This is my essay, and it is currently 447 words (max 500). Do you think the transition from the first paragraph to the second paragraph is to abrupt or is the flow ok? Also, here is the prompt:
Studying Abroad and Life Goals
Although I was wearing light-weight, black flip-flops, my feet felt as though they were cemented to bricks as I trudged up the crowded hallway to my last class of the day - Hispanic American Literature Honors. To say I felt anxiety towards the class was an understatement; as a half-Caucasian and half-Japanese student, I had no idea what to expect or if I would even succeed in a class full of content unfamiliar to me. I quickly made my way to my seat, and overheard two students conversing in Spanish, than switching to English and then back to Spanish. The majority of the students in the classroom were Hispanic, but to my surprise African-American, and Caucasian students also enrolled in the class; our teacher was Persian. That day the assignment was to describe an object in terms of one's personality. Although I had completed a similar exercise in a previous class, the written descriptions of the other students were nothing like I had expected. One of the students compared a tea cup to his soul; the tea cup had the capacity to hold hot tea and milk in place, just as the soul held memories and God together inside of one's mind. The interpretations of each student were different than I expected, because each student had a unique cultural background. Over the course of the year, my anxiety disappeared after listening to and collaborating with such a diverse group of people. Through my coursework, I realized that culture plays an enormous role in creating solutions for social problems, but more importantly I realized the importance of embracing every person's cultural identity, and even though certain groups may seem like total opposites, people have more in common than one would originally think.
My life goal is to continue the work of the work of Jeffrey Sachs (economist and adviser to Secretary General Ban Ki Moon) to help lift the "bottom billion," in sub-Saharan Africa out of poverty, by investing helping less economically developed countries to build infrastructure tailored to the needs and culture of the people residing in the country. I hope to take challenging and thought provoking classes at the University of Colorado related to geography, language, history, politics and culture in order to gain the knowledge I will need to pursuit my dreams. Even more, I look forward to having professors and peers who will expose me to new ideas in order to understand the world in a way that differs from what I know now. However, my most desired goal for college is to study abroad, and gain a new understanding of a culture completely different than my own, and incorporate new customs into my lifestyle.This is...interesting.
It's very readable and somewhat engaging, but I'm not sure you've answered the following questions:
How do you think you, dogsrule216, could enrich [their] diverse and inclusive community? (Look up the word "enrich" even if you know what it means.)
What are your hopes for your college experience? (There's a lot more to it than taking classes. Look up the word "experience" and read every part of its definition.)
Thank you for your input jkjeremy; I will work on making changes to try to answer the question more. I appreciate it!
I like the beginning paragraph, but it doesn't tie in to the second.
More specific examples of meeting with the diverse kids in your class would be nice, but more importantly, how will YOU bring diversity to UC Boulder? Talk about being half Japanese/half Caucasian, since you haven't.
Also like what ^jeremy said, make sure you answer the prompt: Given the statement above, how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive
community, and what are your hopes for your college experience?"
actually, well your second paragraph sorta talks about what you want from your college experience. So vague though, just meeting new people and meeting new professors that will give you new knowledge. What knowledge? What new people?
I don't know how to answer those questions, but maybe you can research more about UC Boulder to say something specific? Like...meet people from different economic backgrounds to understand why and how they are impoverished? Maybe UC Boulder is generous in financial aid or something, idk.
You have admirable goals! Good luck.
by investing helpless
Check back on that,
....beautiful .... Very impressive writing :)
This is absolutely good writing. You have told them how you perceive cultural diversity and what you aspire to do in future. However, you need to tell them what you are going to add to their community with cultural identity. Also you need to tell them what you expect from them too.
Hello,
Not sure about all the positive reviews above, but this essay is one of the worst essays I have read so far this admissions cycle. You started out strong but quickly began to show your naive side. Statements like "To my surprise African-American, and Caucasian students also enrolled in the class." and "Even though certain groups may seem like total opposites, people have more in common than one would originally think," will make the reader think that you had/have a prejudice for one reason or another which is surprising considering you are mufti-ethnic. In 2013, this is simply not tolerated. There are more effective and softer ways of conveying this message without seeming so aloof. You further reinforce this notion of unpreparedness in your second paragraph when you out of nowhere, declare that your life's goal is to "lift the "bottom billion," in sub-Saharan Africa out of poverty." Where did that come from? Why sub-Saharan Africa? To put it bluntly, this essay is extremely unfocused, rambling and does not convey a structured plan that would compel an admissions officer at UC Bolder to believe that their institution is the right one to help you realize these goals. You also fail to adequately describe how you will contribute to the community at UC bolder. Instead, what you should do in this essay is focus on one aspect. Cultural diversity and harmony or your desired life's goal of helping to eradicate poverty. Build out a full story, show your convictions but most importantly, show structure so that the reader will be convinced that this is a plan that you have thought out more than a few times. Conclude with how you will contribute to the community at the school, how you will utilize your past experiences to help impart knowledge to/with your fellow students. - AAO
Hope this helps.
Thank you! I appreciate your comments and unsugar-coated feedback. I am glad someone pointed out how pathetic my essay was; I am scrapping the whole thing and starting over (I am not being sarcastic; I REALLY REALLY appreciate it).
Your essay is flawed but it is NOT pathetic...and I'm not the kind to "sugarcoat" anything.
