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Essay for Study Abroad -- Language and Humanities


matts05 1 / -  
Mar 16, 2009   #1
Hello, any feedback on this essay is GREATLY appreciated!!! Thanks!!!
Also, any ideas on how I can make this ending better? Thanks!

From the application form:
Personal Statement:
Explain why you are interested in studying abroad. If you know where you would like to study, describe where and explain why. (Total statement should not exceed one page and must be typed.


I can remember the first time I picked up a Spanish phrase book-to a young fourth grader, it was the most amazing thing in the entire world. There was something so indescridably exciting and intriguing about being able to speak another language, even if I was unable to piece the words together on my own. I brought that book everywhere-asking people in the grocery store, "dónde están los bańos (where are the bathrooms)," telling my friends at school, "me llamo Matt y hablo espańol (my name's Matt and I speak Spanish)," and my personal favorite, attempting to order food at the local Mexican restaurant, which never seemed to work. Some of my favorite classes throughout my high school career were Spanish, which I excelled in because of my desire to fully know the language. However, four years of studying at a high school level did not bring the proficiency I wanted, and I am left unsatisfied still. I want to study abroad in Spain so I can fully immerse myself in the Spanish culture, fluently speak the Spanish language, and increase my global awareness to bring success in my future career.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to experience another culture and language through a week-long mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. Though the intention of the trip was to change the lives of a poor Mexican family living in the slums of the city by building a much needed house for them, I realized that the trip changed me more than I ever thought possible. Not only did I become a more grateful person after seeing the hardships of living in La Ciudad Juarez, but I also learned more about the culture and language. My favorite memory of the trip was my very first Spanish conversation with a real native speaker during a pick-up soccer game in the street. All I asked was a simple question-cuantos ańos tienes (how old are you)-and all he gave was a simple answer. But with only one year of Spanish class under my belt, there was no better feeling than knowing that I had successfully communicated with a native Spanish speaker. The trip taught me many things, but left me wanting more.

Not only do I have a serious interest in languages and humanities, I am also gifted in math and science. It has always been one of my dreams to work for NASA as an aerospace engineer. Being a government organization that works on projects like the International Space Station, international relations and global awareness are key aspects to success in the field. Because I come from a very small town in southern Illinois, I have not been exposed to much cultural diversity-my trip to Mexico was the most culturally stimulating experience of my life. Studying abroad would not only bring me proficiency in the Spanish language, but I would also gain important real-world experience and knowledge that could help me in my career field. By spending a semester studying in Spain, I can come closer to achieving my goal of Spanish fluency.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 17, 2009   #2
I am not only I gifted in the study of languages and humanities, but also in math and science.

Wow, I love this essay. You had my attention from the first paragraph. It is enjoyable to read, for sure. In the last paragraph, though, you lost me a little by starting out with stuff about math and science... seemed like you started rambling. What has wanting to work for NASA got to do with being attracted to studying abroad because of having come from a small town? I say strike out the weak stuff:

Not only do I have a serious interest in languages and humanities, I am also gifted in math and science. It has always been one of my dreams to work for NASA as an aerospace engineer. Being a government organization that works on projects like the International Space Station, international relations and global awareness are key aspects to success in the field. Because I come from a very small town in southern Illinois, I have not been exposed to much cultural diversity-my trip to Mexico was the most culturally stimulating experience of my life. Studying abroad would...


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