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Study abroad program in Nicaragu - Uc Prompt #2. Need Complete Revision


veesualize 2 / -  
Nov 18, 2008   #1
Hey, thank you for viewing my essay. this is just a quick draft that i put together, and i was just wondering if it fits the prompt and if so, how i could make it better. thanks in advance and here it goes:

Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

As I returned to San Francisco International Airport after going on a three week study abroad program in Nicaragua, I knew that I came back a new person. While I was picking up my luggage, I suddenly fell into a state of reminiscent. I started thinking about how I felt before I left for Nicaragua, and the experience that will forever be imprinted in my memories. My first thought was the anticipation that I felt the night before the trip; tossing and turning, not being able to go to sleep. Then came the recollection of my initiative feeling of hesitation that I felt when it was time for me to leave for Nicaragua. I was a bit reluctant to go at first because I knew that my family depended on me to work, but they were very supportive and encouraged me to get on the plane.

When I reached Nicaragua with the thirty other students that were selected to go on this once of a lifetime trip, I remember looking at everyone's facial expressions. Being from California, we were not adapt to the humidity that covered the whole atmosphere. It was hard to breathe and it seemed like everyone was ready to call it quits and go back home within the first five minutes of arriving in Nicaragua, and I could not agree more. That is until we boarded a bus that took us from the airport to our hostel. I wish that I could say I saw beautiful, blue beaches, and breath taking landscapes, but I would be lying. Instead I saw poverty at it's mightiest, and suffering that was hard to comprehend. Neighborhoods that were created by nothing more than plastic bags and tree stumps. Instantly, I felt a change of emotions. Instead of wanting to go back to the comfort of home, I felt like this was the chance for me to experience how more than two thirds of the world live.

There was a day during the trip that we all had to live on only a dollar. Wow! Was that a challenge. Food was scarce and on top of that purified water was limited. From that experience I learned to appreciate what I have here in the states. I hear people whine all the time about how they do not have the latest I-Pods or how they want more money to shop for things they obviously do not need, and I just smile to myself because I knew that thanks to my experience, I learned a new form of appreciation. I walked away from the trip with unforgettable memories that has define me as a person, and I let go of materialistic wants and needs that once held me back.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 18, 2008   #2
First, make sure your words and sentences aren't redundant. For example, "I started thinking about how I felt before I left for Nicaragua, and the experience that will forever be imprinted in my memories. My first thought was the anticipation that I felt the night before the trip; tossing and turning, not being able to go to sleep. Then came the recollection of my initiative feeling of hesitation that I felt when it was time for me to leave for Nicaragua" needs to be reworded. Also, count how many times you use "Nicaragua"; is each one necessary?

Second, make sure you are properly capitalizing all proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "states" should be capitalized.

Make sure your spelling is correct; for instance, "I-Pods" should be "iPods."

Avoid run-on sentences. For instance, "...or how they want more money to shop for things they obviously do not need, and I just smile to myself because I knew that thanks to my experience, I learned a new form of appreciation" needs to be broken up into shorter sentences.

Best of luck!


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