Feel free to write absolutely anything you want, I need all the help I can get with this, thanks! :)
|PROMPT- Considering your lifetime goals, discuss how your current, and future academic and extracurricular activities might help you achieve your goals.|
For years, I thought that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I would go to college, major in music education, and become a band director like my mom. It was great at first, but I realized the only reason I wanted to do these things is because it's what I thought my parents wanted me to do, it wasn't really my passion and I didn't want to spend my life doing something I didn't truly love. I had always held an interest in science, specifically geology and astronomy, and was even considering minoring in geology when I was about to go to college for music education. I decided to tell my parents I didn't have any interest in studying music and that I wanted to take a year off to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I've realized that I want to study the Earth and learn how it can help us in the future through its gifts beneath the soil. This is my true passion and I'm so grateful to my parents for giving me the time to find it.
During high school I was involved mainly in band activities, thinking I was going to major in music. Although that's not my path anymore, I still think it taught me many valuable lessons that I can use in the future. I learned how to endure and persevere, through the countless hours of marching band. I learned how important a sense of community and friendship is, through my peers in the trumpet section. I learned that hard work and dedication can take you anywhere you want to go, by making All-State my senior year. I learned how to time-manage, by having to practice my instrument at home, making it to all the football games and concerts, getting enough sleep, and still doing my homework and keeping my grades up. Many people would consider all the time I spent on band a waste, but I know that I will need all of these skills in order to become a successful geologist.
Studying geology, I will have to work with a team of scientists, making connections with people and working together towards a common goal, not unlike my time in the trumpet section. I will possibly have to travel to places with harsh conditions and adapt to working well in them, similar to marching in atrocious weather. I will certainly have to work hard and be dedicated to my work in order to achieve my goals, that's a given. Many geologists have odd hours because of their work, and I am confident that I will be able to succeed with the time management skills I learned during my time in band. These skills might not have initially been learned through any connection with the major I want to go in to, but they are invaluable, nonetheless.
While I was in high school I took many higher level classes in order to prepare me for college and life beyond school. It was challenging, but it helped me hone all the skills mentioned previously. I was also part of the National Honor Society all 3 years I could; this made me get more involved in my community. I took an "Earth and Space" course my senior year which helped me realize that is what I love to do, and what I want to be doing the rest of my life. My teachers were awesome and helped me succeed if I was having a hard time with the course load that comes with being in honors and AP classes. My grades are what helped me get into college the first time and this time I am confident they will do the same. Going to college, learning how to be a geologist, and then becoming a working geologist are my main goals for the next few years, and I know everything I mentioned above will help me get there.
Great essay, definitely have some great material! I learned how to endure and persevere, -- get rid of the comma, its a little awkward. I would focus more on what led you to want to study geology and discuss that path in more detail. The band section is great but you are going to study geology in college, so let them see you're passionate about that.
this made me get more involved in my community. --talk about how specifically it made you more involved in your community.
My grades are what helped me get into college the first time and this time I am confident they will do the same. Going to college, learning how to be a geologist, and then becoming a working geologist are my main goals for the next few years, and I know everything I mentioned above will help me get there. -- You might want to word this a little differently, it comes off a little strange at first reading.
Great essay, give me some feed back on mine please!
Sara, at this point in the development of your essay, we need to make sure that the reviewer will consider it prompt responsive the minute he reads the first paragraph. At the moment, your first paragraph makes the statement come across more as a personal statement, which is a far cry from the prompt requirements listed. However, the second paragraph of your current essay can fix that problem. It should become the first paragraph instead because it really delves into your current extra curricular activity and its relation to your preparation for your career. The first paragraph, sounds too whiny and disconnected from the prompt to be useful. My suggestion is to delete that first paragraph and work with the second as the new introduction instead.
So with regards to your past and current extra curricular and academic activities, you have managed to present the information within the 2nd-4th paragraph of your current essay. What is missing is your concept of your future academic and extra curricular activities, meaning the subjects and activities that you look forward to participating in at the university, and how those will help you achieve your goals in life. You definitely need to mention at least one academic and one extra curricular activity in that respect in order to create the proper connection between your responses and the listed prompts.
Do you have any idea as to how you plan to write about that part of the essay? You may need to look at the university website for some inspiration. That is normally how you can learn about the activities and academic offerings that can be of interest to you at the college or department where you are enrolling. It should not be too hard to develop. Should you find yourself facing a blank wall though, let me know and I will see what I can do to help you get on track :-)
Sarah, you essay is written well and it's got the idea of what the prompt is asking you to write about.
However, I see a few things worth considering,your first paragraph focused more on you rather than directing the essay towards
it's purpose. The first 2 sentences about your personal background and how you didn't have interest in music is fine, but not to write the whole intoduction
part talking about it.
Now the body of the letter started to shape your response to the prompt and it is looking pretty good.
You wrote the 3rd and 4th paragraph and I believe it would do you good if you interchange this two paragraphs and
inject your final future plan to end the paragraph, because right now, it looks like it's missing one piece of the puzzle.
I hope I was able to help in enhancing your essay and when you do your revision, post it back here on EF so we can assist you further.
