Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.
My sophomore year I decided to study abroad. Knowing what a beneficial experience it could bring, my dad accepted my proposition and decided I would go study to Nashville, Tennessee, where I have family. I prepared for the big change this was going to be, not only would I interact with people who don't speak my native tongue, but I would also be interacting with people from different religions, and being raised in a all catholic school and also in a society where ninety percent of people I knew where catholic, It made me a little nervous but also a little curious.
School started and with it came soccer. I couldn't play varsity thanks to TSSAA rules, but enrolled on the Junior Varsity team anyway. The team was composed by eight teen players form which half were not catholic. Soccer is a big part of my life, I have been playing it since I was five and with all of this years I have learned that soccer teaches you a lot about the people you play with, I hoped this would allow me to understand my teammates and get used to them in a much faster way. I started to get to know my teammates pretty quick and we had good chemistry even though I had just met them. I realized that the cultural and religious difference wouldn't make a difference at all.
I was right, after twelve games played we had won nine of them and the season came to a close. The closeness of the team had permitted us to play the way our coach intended us to and keeping all of the differences aside helped us achieve this. Even though my feelings about playing with people whose religions I didn't share were not concrete at the beginning of the season, they quickly started to develop in a positive way, I realized that you could actually learn a lot from people like this, people who are very different from you.
Studying abroad had enabled my to take in and learn about new cultures as well as to broaden my world view by every experience my teammates and I shared, And that's why the best experience I had while studying abroad is playing with such a diversity in my soccer team, and learning new things from and about them through the experiences we shared.
Hi Jose,
Let me to give you some comments...
I like your essay, while it has no grammatical error and easy to understand, you have a good experience. Then, I just imagine that it gonna be fun to be your position. However Jose, I didn't find the complete story. I don't know why, maybe because you don't tell completely what do you do to adjust your diversity with your friends when you play soccer. So, I can't feel your striving or struggling to undergo the differentiation. Moreover, you should tell your feeling and explanation respectively. For instance, you feel curious; then explain why; what you do for answering your curiosity; so after you face the reality, what values that you get or what knowledge that you learn, do it influence you or your life? Tell it briefly, completely, and clearly in your essay or narration. Let the readers know the reason and explanation.
Well, I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, maybe it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR, your story should include :
1. Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience).
2. Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.).
3. Result (what happen when you did your action).
This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.
I hope It helps, good luck then...
Jose, your essay portrays a good narrative of how you got along with your teammates. It shows the kind of camaraderie that can only be found in sports teams. It is admirable that you got along so well with them. However, the prompt is asking you to consider a time when you actually had realistic differences with your peers. So your soccer team experience does not really fulfill all the requirements of the prompt.
Try to think of a time when you first arrived in Tennessee when people looked at you differently, treated you differently, or just plain made you feel one of two things; either uncomfortable or unwanted. The idea behind the prompt is to discuss a time when you experienced some sort of discrimination in your life. Discrimination is depicted within differing beliefs or life experiences. This is what makes people treat you differently or brings you into the middle of an argument. This is the scenario that you should present in your narrative.
After you narrate the experience, you should proceed to explain how you either changed your beliefs or traits as a person in order to get along with other people. In other words, explain how you learned to meet them halfway or, discuss how you still remained the same person with the same beliefs then explain why it happened that way.
Your essay is good, it just does not provide the correct response to the prompt.
Let me give you some advice...
I was right, after the twelve games played that ...
... play the way our coach who intended us to and ...
... they quickly started to develop in a positive way, = stop here I realized that ...
Studying abroad had enabled my me to take in and learn about new cultures= stop hereas well as toI broaden my world view by every experience THAT my teammates and I shared, = stop hereAnd that's why the best experience I had ...
