1. Motivations with which you apply for this program (one at a time please)
Since childhood, I have aspired to be able to study abroad and I know that the fees needed is very expensive to get it. Therefore I was interested in trying out scholarships abroad when I graduated from high school. Once I searched for a number of foreign scholarships, I found a kgsp scholarship where this scholarship provided excellent facilities for scholarship recipients and could have the opportunity to continue studying at one of the best universities there. Moreover, South Korea is one of the developed countries which certainly has good quality, one of them is in terms of education. Besides that, the reason I joined this program is that I want to know and learn about culture in South Korea because the name of South Korea nowadays is very shining in the world community. So that, I apply this program to continue my study and make research by this program. I do believe in studying in South Korea with this program, it gives me a chance to enrich my knowledge and experiences there.
@Mulya Hadi 99
Welcome here! I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you.
Firstly, it would be great if you had provided us (in the forum) with brief information about you to help us analyze this essay in a more realistic light. Bear in mind that, while this is not necessary, it certainly goes a long way in helping readers fully understand your writing.
Add more flair to your writing. This may not necessarily come in the form of having a less structured writing - rather, it should come off as you are story-telling. This is one of the best ways for you to introduce yourself in these types of essays without making it appear as though you are merely bragging to the evaluators. Rather, show your passion by telling them how this has been a lifelong dream that you have held within throughout time. This will give them a better idea as to why you deserve a spot.
Furthermore, aside from mentioning that the scholarship is a financial necessity for you, it would be beneficial if you can incorporate other details that are critical. For example, answer the question: "how will I be a benefit to the program in the future?" Having these guidelines to follow would show them that you are seriously in it for the academic benefit, not just for the allure that staying in the country offers.
Your reasons for studying in Korea are not convincing. You just said general things everybody says. Don't mention you were looking for other scholarships because it sounds like you just chose kgsp for the incredible financial aid they give. Instead, talk why you choose gks in specific, what will that program allow you, why South korea and not any other country (maybe your major is really develop there), how studying in Korea will help you achieve your future goals. Also, you don't need to say that you can't study abroad bc is expensive, they already know that, that's why youre applying for this scholarship. Consider talking about that and your motivations will be more convincing and not generic.
I guess your essay to convince the committe is not strong enough, you have to mention one of the motivation/reason with long explanation. I suggest you to have a research about the advancement of technology in South Korea and how the government works there. You must make a specific reason to convice the committe. I hope it will be useful