THe prompt is basically "Why Duke?" and the suggested length is one or two paragraphs, so I am worried it might be too long. I am also concerned that the essay doesnt flow, any advice is greatly appreciated.
When I first looked up Duke, it was eleven thirty and I had been browsing through college websites for two hours. However, Duke immediately stood out as a unique school. A quick look through the website, and I saw Duke researchers were cooling down Fermi gases to study exotic mater, training students in mathematical biology, and using neuroscience to study moral responsibility. I was specifically interested by the latter two because of the interdisciplinary nature of the studies, since giving undergraduate students a chance to be involved in that kind of research gives them the opportunity to expand the socpe of their education. Another aspect of Duke's education that caught my eye was the Link Center, which provides outstanding educational facilities but also shows a commitment to student involvment and imporvement. For exmaple, I thought the "Voice Thread" tool used by Deb Reisinger was a creative and enriching approach to teaching languages.
As a prospective math major, I cannot say I was not moved to apply by the fact that Duke has consistently ranked among the top five schools in the US and Canada in the Putnam Examination. Yet, I soon found out Duke's Mathematics Department has much more to offer than a top-tier competition team. For example, the PRUV Fellow program , which fosters intensive undergraduate research, jumped up to me as an opportunity to prepare for graduate studies and collaborate closely with faculty. This opportunity is all the more valuable at Duke because the Research Triangle provides the ideal environment to experience real-world applications of knowledge gained in class. Further, the possibility of writing a senior thesis would allow me to experience independent work and personal inquiry. As far as my other main interest (music) goes, Duke also boasts very strong program and unique opportunities. For example, traveling to Zhuhuai, China to partner with a middle school to provide arts education would be another way of putting knowledge to work. Also, the offerings in Applied Music would give me a chance to continue struggling with my saxophone while studying Algebra or Modern Harmony.
I don't think it's too long, and you were definitely thorough and detailed, which is good. I can tell you did your homework and know what you want.
One thing that stuck out was the first two sentences. I would rewrite those.
When I first came across Duke, it was eleven thirty and I had been browsing through college websites for two hours. Even through my glazed-over eyes, Duke immediately stood out as a unique school.
Missing a t:
exotic mater, ...
Another typo: For exmaple,
Also, the offerings in Applied Music would give me a chance to continue struggling with my saxophone while studying Algebra or Modern Harmony.---You end abruptly if you end with a statement like this. You should end by expressing again that main theme of the essay. I say "again," because the main idea of each paragraph should support some main theme/message of the essay. That is how to have good structure. It is not difficult; just ask yourself, "What do all these points add up to? What is my personal theme?"
:-)
