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'Studying in a very competitive school and traveling' - My Personal Statement


vedantsureka 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2007   #1
Greetings!

I needed som help with the 1st few lines. I think i have to make it a bit stronger. Please review and send me the edit :

Ever since childhood I have been listening to my elders discuss the development and management of our real estate business which fuelled my interest in this field. Of late, the Indian real estate industry is poised to emerge as one of the most preferred investment destinations for global realty and investment firms. Its recent boom and expert analysis state that it has a huge potential, predicting it to grow to a staggering amount of over US$ 50 billion within the next four years. Fact such as these led me to dig deeper and find out more about this fascinating field. After the 10th grade, I decided to take up Business Studies to help me achieve my goals of eventually running a successful real estate business. Since then, I have enjoyed reading magazines like "Business Today" and "Business Week" along with the business section of the Daily newspaper to keep a constant tab on the industry.

Wanting to know more about our family business, I spend long hours with my father at his office and attended various meetings with him. During our discussions, to broaden my horizons, I ask him several questions such as, "How does the commercial real estate ("CRE") industry work? How can one determine a good plot of land? What risks does a lease option hold for the buyer? How does one determine the type of residential apartment or house on a particular plot?" Answers to such questions have added to my knowledge on the financial sector of this rapidly developing business of real estate as well as that of our family business.

In addition to my discussions with family members, I have had the opportunity to interact with International Structural Engineer Predrag Eror and Architect Steven Coates who worked on several real estate projects around the globe. They shared with me their ideas and concepts about modern techniques, for example, explaining a wind tunnel test done on a 3D image of a building to determine the impact of wind on buildings and its counter-effects on its surroundings, including pedestrians. I found that this conversation stimulated my curiosity for the practical application of the various concepts I had read about or heard of in the industry, which was as challenging as the financials of a project.

Apart from playing a vital role in the family business my grandfather and mother take a keen interest in serving the under-privileged of society. They have taught me to be considerate, caring and compassionate towards others. Having a family background in community service, I decided to join the Interact Club of my school. Our activities included visiting old-age homes, interacting and conversing with the elderly people, working with doctors providing free medical treatment, and performing dance and music shows for the under-privileged. Four years of my passionate dedication earned me a seat on 'The Executive Board of Directors' of the Interact Club. I was part of the team that organized two fund raisers for the under-privileged, over a span of five days, which helped me inculcate the value time management, team work, organization skills and problem solving abilities. I worked at 'Manovikas Kendra', a school for the "differently-abled" children, looking after and playing games with them and at an NGO called 'Apne Aap Women Worldwide' teaching children of Red Light areas computers. These experiences were enriching as well as humbling. I wish to continue serving the undermined, trying to make a difference to every new place I go.

My passion of meeting and associating with new people have seen me travel to over 14 countries including Kenya, Thailand, South America, Australia and England, observing various people, cultures and their ways in which they live. Every visit has left an indelible impression in my mind, leaving me with a thirst for more.

Studying in a very competitive school, and being one to take initiative, I was honoured to have been handed many responsibilities. As School Prefect, I became more confident and self-disciplined. Minding classes while the teachers were away helped me realize the importance of commanding juniors and peers, earning their respect as well as being a role model for them. I was one of the four representatives chosen from my school to go to Pune to be part of the 'The National Defense Academy' programme. Here we stayed on the military campus, along with other cadets, spending four days living their lives as a part of the Army.

Moving towards my extra-curricular activities, I was elected the Treasurer/Financial Administrator of the Cultural Club of our school, enabling me to interact with various sponsors. This not only improved my negotiation and communication skills but also increased my knowledge on monetary matters of an organization. As the Web Master of the Computer Club of my school, I helped create the school website. Talking about computers, Media Designing is one field that I have always been zealous about. For the past few years, I have been practicing designing, bringing out my creative ideas and concepts and further developing them into graphics.

"All work and no play make Jack a dull boy." Fortunately I am not that Jack, but I am a Jack of all Sports! I represented my house in Football, Cricket, Hockey, Rugby and Basketball. Football being my favourite, I play it regularly, and dream of representing India at the Football World Cup one day. Having played numerous sports have enhanced my stamina and brought out the spirit of sportsmanship in me. Moving away from field activities, I was part of my house dramatics team as well as the annual school production team. These gave me a platform to showcase my acting and oratory skills. I was chosen as a supervisor for the inter-house chess tournament along with other students.

After having clearly defined my goals of achieving an undergraduate degree in Business Administration with a concentration in Real Estate, I firmly believe that the best option for me would be to pursue my career in administration at one of the leading universities in the U.S.A. known for their exemplary education. My objective to be a businessman, involves earning money, at the same time having a corporate social responsibility, making people's lives happy and of course leaving behind a legacy. This would be an ideal platform to succeed in today's ever changing world and equip me with the skills to be a successful manager and leader in my family business in the future.

Thanks,
Vedant.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 5, 2007   #2
Greetings!

While we can't send you the edit privately, I'd be happy to give you some editing advice here! I think you are right about the opening. Part of the problem is that the first sentence starts off talking about your family, then the next sentence launches into the real estate industry, followed by some statistics. What you might want to do is to push the drier, statistical information a little farther back, that is, perhaps in the second paragraph. If you could lead off with a true story about something that happened in your family's business that really captured your interest, that might be good. Anecdotes about something that excited the author tend to pull the reader in more than recitations of facts and figures. Not that there's anything wrong with including that information--it shows you know your topic! But since you asked for help making the opening stronger, that would be my suggestion--personalize the opening a little more.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP vedantsureka 1 / 1  
Nov 5, 2007   #3
Greetings!

ok thanks!

I will try and do that and post the edited version here. Apart from that do you think anything else needs to be changed or is it otherwise a strong Personal Statement?
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 6, 2007   #4
Greetings!

Yes, I think it is a very strong personal statement and speaks very well of you! If I were going to offer just one more suggestion, it might be to consider changing these phrases: Moving towards my extra-curricular activities ... Moving away from field activities ... I found these a little distracting, as I found myself actually picturing you physically moving toward or away from these activities! You might want to substitute "In addition to..." or another more neutral phrase.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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