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Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay.


rafaltrus 1 / 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #1
Hi, I have written an essay for the U of C, and I am not sure about first and last part of it.

" Developing oneself is a way to make life more interesting and escape from the daily routine. I have always tried to encounter various occasions for the sake of personal boost. The experiences with my family during the summer of 2008 brought a humongous twist in my life.

I began thinking about my future goals when I finished my sophomore year in Poland. Little did I know, one April evening my, parents were going to change my plans for ever.

(....)//the body of the essay
Not only did the event match with my motivation to study various topics, but it also allowed me to get to know other students and teachers better than I would have during regular class time.

My studying in Poland had ended when I was 17. At that time, my mind was totally focused on choosing colleges and taking the admission tests. Being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. challenged my ability to assimilate to new environments. We have never spoken English at home; hence I was forced to show my capability for studying in the new language. Despite many obstacles I faced, I proved myself that even the most unexpected and the most remarkable shifts in my life will not distract me from what I plan to achieve. As a climax of that, I am proving that I have benefited from the opportunities my parents have given me. Even though I still face many struggles, I am sure that my interests, perspectives and life experiences could help me even more in transitioning into the community of University of Chicago."

Do you think that I keep with the subject or kind of getting farther from it?

yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #2
but it also

but also

the U.S.A.

to the United States

home; hence

, so

well being "caught" by the immigration sounds like a good idea...but I really need to see your body to judge if it's an essay that'll strengthen your app. From my knowledge of UChicago (I applied early action), it's a very creative and unique school. For an immigration essay to work, you really can't simply focus on how you learned english or how despite your language barrier you succeeded...cuz that's nothing new.

from your conclusion,

Despite many obstacles I faced, I proved myself that even the most unexpected and the most remarkable shifts in my life will not distract me from what I plan to achieve.

and

I have benefited from the opportunities my parents have given me

you seem to have fallen in the trap of simply describing your academic/transition to new environment hardships. I can tell you right away that if you simply described the experience and not your inner thoughts, how you were internally impacted apart from having learned all the stuff, it won't have the effect that you desire.
OP rafaltrus 1 / 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #3
can I pm you, so you can take a look at it?
OP rafaltrus 1 / 2  
Dec 13, 2009   #4
can I send you a private message somehow? I do not really want to post my entire essay on pulic forum
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 13, 2009   #5
carlyang007 [at] hotmail.com

but if you read the threads on plagiarism, apparently putting your real name prevents that.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 15, 2009   #6
Developing oneself is a way to make life more interesting and escape from the daily routine. I have always tried to encounter various occasions for the sake of personal boost.

The first sentence above is very good, but the second one does not really make sense.

Forever is one word, not 2.

Despite many obstacles I faced, I proved to myself that even the most unexpected and the most remarkable shifts in my life will not distract me from what I plan to achieve.
yang 2 / 313  
Dec 15, 2009   #7
lol haven't heard from u since you emailed me your essay. So how's the app going?


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