btw, what do you think about the overall impression of this essay?
do you I can get in an Ivy league or a school like MIT, Caltech or Stanford?
Hehe, I ask myself that same question when I read my essays.. well, Charu, MIT's and Caltech's prompts are different from the common application's.. although MIT does ask for similar prompts.. I say you should check'em out..
I like the essay, only in some parts "it doesn't sound right".. like when you write things in brackets, or when you phrase things in a strange way,, I dunno.. I'll just quote the things that -in my opinion- should be improved (whether it's in punctuation, grammar, ideas, or whatever else)..
When other girls of my age would play with Barbie dolls, I would imitate summersaults and stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies.
Describe the scene.. make it more alive, like a script of a movie, with dialog so that you can help the readers imagine it and see the obvious difference..
Seeing this, my mother, despite living in a conservative and male-dominated society, took a courageous step and put me in a nearby Karate class.
Despite living in a conservative and male-dominated society, my mother took a courageous step and put me in a nearby Karate class.
immediately made for a group of women
" Maal Nikaal, (hand over your money)", he snarled.
>> "Maal Nikaal!" he snarled, demanding her money. (I dunno, I just don't like the brackets :P)
The other thug
You keep using the word "thug".. Maybe others won't feel the same way, but it sounds informal, or even like a "street word".. I think you shouldn't use it.. plus you said that "thug" was a bearded man, and thug means a young criminal, and your description indicates that he's old..
to yank it
word choice :S
thoughts struck me with a velocity greater than that of light
Call me a physics geek, but velocity is a vector quantity, like that of light, and your thoughts aren't a vector quantity, they are scalar.. like speed.. so you may say with a speed greater than... but you know, I didn't think that it's a good metaphor.. because it's like your thoughts are moving as fast as light, making your thoughts pass by you :P.. you want to say that the thoughts came fast (so they stopped when they arrived) not their actual moving speed..
To be honest, I was scared for a moment.
You can omit "to be honest", why would you lie about being scared? lol
, looked like the villain of a movie.
you referred to media/movies before.. this is like repetition..
or I were a coward and would be a mere follower.
or if I were a coward and a mere follower.
Recalling it gives me goosebumps every time!
Presence of mind, indeed
(Though, it was all psychological.)
In the tussle, one of the thieves' lungi (cloth wrapped around his waist and legs) came off.
In the tussle, one of the thieves' lungi, a piece of cloth wrapped around his waist and legs, came off.
Try to go one with editing the same way.. try to put urself in your readers shoes..