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"my suburban town" - a life lesson learned that you can bring to the villanova campus


nicmont93 4 / 9  
Sep 30, 2010   #1
Describe a life lesson learned that you can bring to the villanova campus.

A haze of periwinkles, salmons, and forest greens swirled together in a garden of blossomed orchids and carnations. Hanging from the ramshackle door of a dilapidated, old house, a birdfeeder overflowed with nourishing grains and appetizing seeds. So out of place in my modern suburban town where newly built brick houses conquered the land, this hut might as well have been inhabited by fairies and dragons and princesses. Every Friday after school, my nanny gripped my hand, swinging it to and fro as she escorted my brother and me to the local pizzeria, past this magical house. She would always be sure to pick two flowers, usually a dusty blue and a pale pink carnation for each of us. Regardless of how many times we strolled past the hut, or how many flowers we picked, it still resonated the same magical aura as it did the first time we came across the hut; it housed my imaginations, my hopes, and the after school Friday walks of my childhood.

As seasons changed and birthdays passed, I became very enthralled in my own life. So encompassed by triumphs and tragedies throughout the years, I neglected to notice the development of the world around me. As I walked home from work one day this past summer, I noticed the hut. However, the swirl of colors and birdfeeder were now gone. The cracks and stains in the siding were repaired and, in fact, the residency was now a newly built brick house. My heart sunk deep into my stomach; I thought, "How could I have possibly been so absorbed in my own life that the demolition and construction of a house visible from my own had gone unnoticed?"

At that very moment, the earth beneath my tired feet slowed to a halt. The sun seemed to shine brighter, the birds sang more harmoniously, and the wind calmed to a soothing breeze. Unfortunately in the time between my childhood to near present day, I had been going through the motions of my life in a formulaic, robotic manner: go to school, run to work, do homework, and repeat. I had not often enough withdrawn myself from the whirlpool of my daily routine to notice the omnipresent beauties of this earth

As I attend Villanova, I hope to help my fellow peers to enjoy the beauties that surround them before life's true value of time is stolen from them. I look forward to share with the Villanova community that we must take advantage of the time we have at the university to make the best of our lives and our futures. We must occasionally step back from our busy schedules to be aware of the changes in the world we live in; in turn we will avoid getting sucked into a superficial existence where time seems to be interminable and our purpose in society is forgotten. Time is as precious as what we make of it, and I will share this insight because, as I know far too well, opportunities, cherished memories, and time itself may erode and disappear, much like my magical hut.

I know this needs some work but i dont know where to begin with my editing.. PLEASE HELP!
donrocks 5 / 120  
Oct 1, 2010   #2
You took nearly 40 words to reach the first "i".
The topic is MY sub... and the I takes too long to come. Also I would say that the introduction is very... you know unrealistic. Something that is not coming from heart. Its just good phrases and things... frankly, every suburban town is "green with lots of flowers". Is that the only special thing, you would like to mention????

The nanny part also is a misfit in the essay. Its not giving the nostalgic touch and warm feeling, if that was the attempt.

As seasons changed and birthdays passed, I became very enthralled in my own life.

Not required. Instead, what happens is.... life is very busy now. We forget to value many small yet important details of my life, which we take for granted. Take this idea and expand it in your own words. You see, until we lose something we take our hometown and family quite lightly which is what you should mention.

Another point, do you think you should mention this?? Instead....
I think you should mention the rich heritage and culture of your town.
What fascinates you about this town??
How is it diverse and colorful??
Stuff like that, shows you are rooted to your town and are talking knowledgeably and lovingly. Do not try to impress them with this...

A haze of periwinkles, salmons, and forest greens swirled together in a garden of blossomed flowers. Hanging from the ramshackle door of a dilapidated, old house, a birdfeeder overflowed with nourishing grains and appetizing seeds. So out of place in my modern suburban town where newly built brick houses conquered the land, this hut might as well have been accompanied by fairies and dragons and princesses.

You should tell your essay something about the town.
Hope this helps.... :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 5, 2010   #3
garden of blossomed flowers. ---- flowers could be replaced with a more specific word, perhaps a kind of flower.

My heart sank deep into...

I did not merely notice the destruction of my childhood and the construction of conformity?---- very cool, but "merely" does not work here...I think you are using it like "even," but it seems wrong.

I think it would be good to divide that long first para into 2.
I think it would be good to spend more time discussing how this kind of appreciation and "noticing" is related to your intended major or subject of interest and what you know about the school, etc. Spend a little more time with that discussion of what you can contribute. The description is great!!

I like this a lot; hats off to you, as it were. If I'd been wearing a hat, it'd be off to you.


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