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'succeeding in a positive student environment' Why you choose St. Johns University


jpodp06 1 / -  
Nov 28, 2009   #1
St. Johns University
(college essay)

As I am heading out of the Redstorm lockeroom, I feel the cold winter breeze embracing my entire body with energyand confidence that we will win this next game. The crowds roars only contribute to the teams overall moral, and as I find my way onto the carpet like pitch ready for kickoff I realize that St. Johns University is where I truly belong.

Besides its top notch sports programs and number one ranked soccer team, I picture myself interacting and sharing memorable moments with the diverse student alumni that inhabits and stroll the halls of St. Johns University. It would be superb to have the privilege to learn about the variance of cultures and religions that roam the campus on a daily basis. From Asians conversing about the next Lab report to Puerto Ricans hollering about the next rumba (party), all this would be a great exprience to live amongst a huge melting pot of people and cultures all in pursue of their goals and dreams to change the world in some way.

Along with quality alumni, I envision myself succeeding in a positive student environment with outstanding professors. St. Johns professors are distinguished to be one of the optimum in teh nation due to their kindness and familiarity with each individual student, and it would be a great honor to be taught by the most intellectual professors this school can offer. As soon as I walk into the micro computer lab nervous at what to expect he gives me that "i'm just here to help you look" which reassured me and took a huge weight off my shoulders and from that moment on I knew that this place would be the perfect match for me because of my desire to learn and expand as an individual.

With a plethora of all kinds of different facilities such as quality dorms, auditorium, state of the art computer room, on campus lounging areas and my favorite the fitness center. After seating away the days stress and leaning over to drink at what it feels to be the most refreshing water fountain just makes you feel like you have been reborn. Given all these awesome facilities to enjoy it's almost as if each stundent had its own theme park with everything he needs to succeed. By having all these opportunities it would be a wast to not take full advantage of them and as a St. John's student I will make sure to utilize these tools to pursue my career and make this school a better place. In conclusion St. Johns University would better fit my personality and ideals, and hopefully it will be my future home.
marcabundo 4 / 5  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
Think...if you replace "St. John" in your essay with a name of another college, will it fit? If it does, then you need to add VERY SPECIFIC things about the college, things that a lot of other college don't offer.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 30, 2009   #3
Sometimes you can make a sentence more powerful by shaving off a few unnecessary words:
As I am Heading out of the Redstorm locker room, I feel the cold winter breeze embracing...

And sometimes you can make a sentence more powerful by eliminating weak modifiers:
...embracing my entire body with energyand confidence that we will win this next game.

Does the sentence above sound better without the word "entire" or with it?

See if you can find more places to streamline this.
:-)


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