please tell me what you really think. also if you find any minor errors that would be helpful as well
~thank u
PROMPT 1
Success
Success is what my family expects. Anything done in life should be done with great determination. The day after my older sister's graduation, I started thinking about my future and asked myself will I be successful? When I addressed this question to my parents, they said being able to do what you aim for; no matter how small or supposedly insignificant, in the eyes of others; is success in its essence.
My mom is a teacher, her passion is to expand the young mind. All she has ever talked about is being successful and doing good in school, she teaches me to reach for my goals and aim to do my best. My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan has effected my future career goals in a positive way. He teaches me that success isn't about big houses and being wealthy, but rather the person you are and how happy you are in life.
My true inspiration for wanting success is looking at my parents life and seeing what they went through to give me a shot at success. During 1996 we were under attack in Iraq, my parents had no choice but to leave their lives and family behind to protect me and my sisters. The lives they once lived had to be forgotten if they wanted us to see a better day. My dad, the famous lawyer and my mom the inspirational teacher had come to America to seek opportunity for their children.
My parents, speaking no English, had to come to this great place they heard of called America and start their new lives. At the time my sister had asked my parents why we left our country. My dad, with hope in his eyes stated "soon enough you will understand why we did this for you and your sisters and you will appreciate live as you live it without much worries."
As the years went on, both my parents had completed college in the united states and had big hope that things will change. My mom got a job as a teacher and my dad started working as a computer tutor after college. They would always laugh and say "if we did it, you can do it but even better!"After this they expected nothing less then happiness and achievement.
My life and career goals are set at a high limit because of my parents' advice. Every time there is a challenge I don't fear overcoming it because if I attempt to try anything, I will be guaranteed success in life. So when I think about what my parents did to give me opportunity, I always think to myself, I'm thankful to have people their for me who will push me towards success.
Prompt 2
Bright, Bold and Beautiful
Yellow is a bright beautiful color. Compared to all the other colors yellow is the one that attracts the eye. Whether its trying to or not, the color yellow stands out. People can be categorized by colors. Dark blues and browns are people who prefer to be standing in the background trying not to be seen. Pinks and oranges are those people who try to be involved and spirited but aren't naturally born to be a bright color. Yellow, however, can be seen from miles away. Yellow are people who naturally stand out and aren't afraid to be different. I'd like to call myself a yellow.
Before 8th grade graduation my school asked the graduates if they wanted to audition to be the student speaker they had to write a 5 minute speech and present it to all participating teachers and they would get to choose who should say their speech at graduation. I wasn't planning to do it, I was just waiting to go shopping for a graduation dress and to get to high school. The next day I was called out of class and the woman in charge of the auditions told me I was recommended my 5 teachers to do the speech. Hearing that made me a lot more interested in trying it out.
Everyone who auditioned seemed like a different shade of color. The bold colors were the stand out people who will not take no for an answer and strive to do their best, the neutrals were those who will be known for some type of achievement but don't keep it going, and the dark colors were the unknown achievers.
Seeing the world in the color of yellow has greatly effected the changes around me. Being afraid has never crossed my mind, I am nervous but never scared to go for something that seems impossible to achieve. With that, I wrote a speech that showed my true and honest colors. Many people did really well but I never once doubted myself and just hoped for the best.
Colleges are looking for over achievers that are willing to stand up to any challenge. Sometimes others don't realize that until it's too late. The challenges faced in college are things some neutrals and dark colors can not handle it if they continue "staying inside the lines of the coloring book." so the winners were to be announced and I was more nervous then I thought, I actually wanted to win and be the best! Finally, after a long wait they had called the winners name, "the winner is Darav Naseem for student speaker" It was a very exciting moment, out of all the different speeches and styles written I had won!
When it feels like the moment to shine, you must take it and never think your too far behind to do great. This makes me the person I am, my personality, my attitude towards things, and my overall presentation. I have had multiple experiences that have tested my ability but being the color yellow never let me down. Weather you are yellow, orange,green, blue, purple, (etc.) everyone has a change for bigger things, you must work to get where you want and want what you've worked for.
I loved your analogy with the colors! Very strong means to tie colors in with your world. I think you should take out the part about college seeking overachievers. it has a negative connotation. "Weather you are yellow, orange," it should be whether*
I feel like you can go much further with your first prompt. Talk more about yourself and how you will prove you are worthy.
Prompt 1
Success
Success is what my family expects. Anything done in life should be done with great determination. The day after my older sister's graduation I started thinking about my future and asked myself, "Will I be successful?"When I asked my parents this question , they said being able to do what you aim for - no matter how small or supposedly insignificant, in the eyes of others - is success in its essence.
My mom is a teacher; her passion is to expand the young mind. All she has ever talked about is being successful and doing good in school; she has taught me to reach for my goals and aim to do my best. My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan, has affected my future career goals in a positive way. He has taught me that success isn't about big houses and being wealthy, but rather the person you are and how happy you are in life.
My true inspiration for wanting success is looking at my parents life and seeing what they went through to give me a shot at success. During 1996 we were under attack in Iraq; my parents had no choice but to leave their lives and family behind to protect me and my sisters. The lives they once lived had to be forgotten if they wanted us to see a better day. My dad, the famous lawyer, and my mom, the inspirational teacher, had come to America to seek opportunity for their children.
My parents, speaking no English, had to come to this great place they heard of called America and start their new lives. At the time my sister had asked my parents why we left our country. My dad, with hope in his eyes stated "soon enough you will understand why we did this for you and your sisters and you will appreciate live as you live it without much worries."
As the years went on both my parents had completed college in the U nited S tates and had big hope that things would change. My mom got a job as a teacher and my dad started working as a computer tutor after college. They would always laugh and say "if we did it, you can do it but even better!" After this they expected nothing less then happiness and achievement.
My life and career goals are set at a high limit because of my parents' advice. Every time there is a challenge I don't fear overcoming it because if I attempt to try anything, I will be guaranteed success in life. So when I think about what my parents did to give me opportunity, I always think to myself, I'm thankful to have people their for me who will push me towards success.
Prompt 2
Bright, Bold and Beautiful
Yellow is a bright beautiful color. Compared to all the other colors yellow is the one that attracts the eye. Whether its trying to or not, the color yellow stands out. People can be categorized by colors. Dark blues and browns are people who prefer to be standing in the background trying not to be seen. Pinks and oranges are those people who try to be involved and spirited but aren't naturally born to be a bright color. Yellow, however, can be seen from miles away. Yellow are people who naturally stand out and aren't afraid to be different. I'd like to call myself a yellow.
Before eighth grade graduation my school asked the graduates if they wanted to audition to be the student speaker.The aspiring student speaker had to write a five minute speech and present it to all participating teachers and they would get to choose who should say their speech at graduation. I wasn't planning to do it, I was just waiting to go shopping for a graduation dress and to get in to high school. The next day I was called out of class and the woman in charge of the auditions told me I was recommended b y five teachers to do the speech. Hearing that made me a lot more interested in trying it out.
Everyone who auditioned seemed like a different shade of color. The bold colors were the stand out people who will not take no for an answer and strive to do their best, the neutrals were those who will be known for some type of achievement but don't keep it going, and the dark colors were the unknown achievers.
Seeing the world in the color of yellow has greatly a ffected the changes around me. Being afraid has never crossed my mind, I am nervous but never scared to go for something that seems impossible to achieve. With that, I wrote a speech that showed my true and honest colors. Many people did really well but I never once doubted myself and just hoped for the best.
Colleges are looking for over- achievers that are willing to stand up to any challenge. Sometimes others don't realize that until it's too late. The challenges faced in college are things some neutrals and dark colors can not handle if they continue "staying inside the lines of the coloring book." S o the winners were to be announced and I was more nervous tha n I thought, I actually wanted to win and be the best! Finally, after a long wait they had called the winners name, "the winner is Darav Naseem for student speaker. " It was a very exciting moment, out of all the different speeches and styles written I had won!
When it feels like the moment to shine, you must take it and never think you' re too far behind to do great. This made me the person I am: my personality, my attitude towards things, and my overall presentation. I have had multiple experiences that have tested my ability but being the color yellow never let me down. Weather you are yellow, orange,green, blue, purple, (etc.) everyone has a change for bigger things, you must work to get where you want and want what you've worked for.
NOTE: Excellent work. I loved the personal statements. I merely cleaned it up a little and fixed the tense. I definitely agree with you on the color yellow. :)
i was feeling "iffy" about the college part too so now i will take it out and the 1st one i will extend and talk more about how im effected! thanx so much for taking time to read it!
First off, I would write this part like this...
and asked myself, "Will I be successful?" and then ...they said being able to do what you aim for -no matter how small....in the eyes of others- is success in its essence.
My mom is a teacher....and doing good in school(and then I think should be a period not a comma)
My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan(and then a second comma), has effected...
During 1996 when we were under...., my parents had no choice but to protect my sisters and me(switched around).
My dad, the famous lawyer(another comma), and my mom(comma), the inspirational teacher(comma), had come to....
My dad, with hope in his eyes(comma), stated(comma), "(CAPATALIZED)Soon enough you....you and your sisters(new sentence after period). You will appreciate life(not live) as you..."
As the years went on,....in the United States(United States is capatalized),(comma)and they both had big hopes that things would(past change) change.
My mom got....teacher,(comma b/c of compound sentence) and my dad....after college.
They would always laugh and say,(comma) "(CAPS)If we did it(no comma) then you can do it,(comma) but even better!"
After this(comma), they expected....and achievement.
So when I think...to give me an(added "an") oppurtunity, I always think to myself, (Quotes)"I am thankful to have people there(not "their") for me who will push me towards success."
I dont have time to read the second one but i hope this helped. And it also means you probably need to overlook the second one as well.
I was glad to read it. Yes, I am a college student. It's actually my second year but I still feel like I'm a freshman. You are very welcome.
thank you guys so much! this really helped! i will definitely change up a few things and look over it a few more times! thanx again!:)
SupernewtJR made a good correction for this part: The day after my older sister's graduation, I started thinking about my future and asked myself, Will I be successful?--- here, I used italics to achieve the same purpose. You can choose whichever way you like, with quotes or italics.
Keep the verb tense consistent: affects -----> teachers (present tense) My dad, a lawyer in Kurdistan, affects my future career goals in a positive way. He teaches me that success...
comma:
Yellow is a bright, beautiful color.
I like the theme of the "yellow" essay. Great job... I think it is more memorable and interesting than the other essay. The first essay is sort of typical, covering concepts that are common in this type of essay, but the "yellow" essay and its discussion of colors associated with types of people... that is good stuff!
