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UC essay prompt #1 Success is not easy


agilbert1992 1 / -  
Nov 15, 2009   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Throughout my life, I have tried out a countless number of sports such as softball, gymnastics, and dance. Only one sport, though, has captured me in a way that makes me love playing it; and that sport is soccer. Whether it be an everyday practice or a championship game, I enjoy every minute I have with the soccer ball. I am not exactly sure what keeps me so attached to it, unlike any other sport I have tried; it might be the thrill of scoring a goal or the empowering connection shared by my entire team, or most likely a combination of both.

One day last April, though, I had this thrill taken from me, when during a game I was slide tackled by a player on the other team. It was the worst pain I had ever felt, and right then I thought to myself "It's over". I cried not so much for the pain, but more for the thought of losing soccer forever. It turned out that I had torn my ACL, which is now the most common of soccer injuries, and could only be fixed with surgery. I felt devastated that I had let my team down by not being able to finish the season, and that I had lost one of the only things I enjoyed doing.

The doctor told me I would be ready to play by next January, which was not only six months away, but also smack in the middle of high school soccer season. This was supposed to be the year I made varsity, but in August I went in for the surgery. Quickly following was the start of rigorous physical training to bring back my strength and stamina. It was looking like I was doing extremely well, and actually might get a chance at the high school season; I even started practicing with my club team within two months of my surgery. Finally, two weeks before high school tryouts, I was cleared to play, which was two months before I was planned to, but something just did not feel right. I began telling everyone that I did not feel ready, that my knee was not healed yet; but, the truth was I was scared out of my mind to begin playing again. Consequently, this fear kept me from trying out.

Ever since I made that decision I have regretted it, which was why I made a promise to myself to mentally prepare myself for the next year. I began practicing again with my club team, and began pushing myself to become the player I previously was. Now, a year later, tryouts are less than a month away and I feel more ready than ever to put all my effort to the test. Through this long, hard experience, I learned that fear can hold you back from doing your best, and you must learn ways to overcome it. In my case, I used my desire to play soccer again to help me work past my fear of injury. Also, success does not come easily; after my surgery, I worked extremely hard in order to achieve my goals without ever giving up. My perseverance and patience have not only given me the strength I need to be the best player I can be, but also have helped me better achieve other goals outside of soccer, such as doing well in school. This journey has transformed me into the hard-working and goal-oriented person I have strived to be all my life.
XLZ 2 / 10  
Nov 15, 2009   #2
Great essay. Its very well planned out and gives a good idea about you and how your interest with soccer has changed you.

Your sentence, "I am not exactly sure what keeps me so attached to it, unlike any other sport I have tried; it might be the thrill of scoring a goal or the empowering connection shared by my entire team, or most likely a combination of both.", sounds segmented. Maybe... "I am not exactly sure what keeps me so attached to it.I t might be the thrill of scoring a goal or the empowering connection shared by my entire team, or most likely a combination of both."

"One day last April, though, I had this thrill taken from me, when during a game I was slide tackled by a player on the other team." I would remove "though" and it seems to hinder the meaning of the sentence. Something like..."One day last April I had this thrill taken from me. During a game I was slide tackled by a player on the other team."

"This was supposed to be the year I made varsity, but in August I went in for the surgery." The "but" seems misplaced because it makes it a little difficult to understand. You could try something like "..., but I had no choice, in August I went in for the necessary surgery."

Everything else looks perfect to me. GOOD LUCK. PLEASE READ MY ESSAY "Iris". THANKS!
tobeJames 3 / 11  
Nov 15, 2009   #3
As of now, your essay is a grain of sand among many others. I am saying this for your benefit. First of all, the language, sentence structure, and creativity you use could be improved on.

Edit your first sentence - it is the most important one.

"Throughout my life, I have tried out a countless number of sports such as softball, gymnastics, and dance. Only one sport, though, has captured me in a way that makes me love playing it; and that sport is soccer."

Softball, gymnastics, dance. None have changed my life and drastically captured me the way soccer has. <-- I would work on it more than I just did, but you get the point.

Intrigue the reader. Express your love of soccer by editing your sentences so as to flow better together.

Peace
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 16, 2009   #4
Find ways to use fewer words to say what you need to say:
...that makes me love playing it: and that sport is soccer.

I agree that the first sentence is most important. However, the last sentence of the first paragraph is also most important!! Let the last sentence of that first paragraph say something that captures the meaning of the essay.

This is the correct way to use a semi-colon:
Also, success does not come easily; after my surgery, I worked extremely hard in order to achieve my goals without ever giving up.----> it works just like a period. Don't use it as a comma.

You write very well! Fortify the writing with the first sentence and last sentence of the first paragraph.


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