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'my success regardless of how long it takes' - Why CMU and particular major?


dlwodls1993 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
Hi everyone, this is my CMU essay,, and I have no one to edit mine, and I want to get some feedbacks :)!
Thank you SO much in advance :))

Prompt:Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay

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Here I sit in front of my laptop, with an opened calculus textbook on my left and a half painted artwork on my right. These two subjects- Art and Calculus are my hardest classes but which I enjoy the most. Since my mind is bouncing back and forth, I decided push them back and write my essay on Carnegie Mellon University.

The reason Carnegie Mellon University is my top choice of all the schools is because it offers a major of Bachelor of Science and Arts, which allows me to participate in both subjects. Although I am a high school student, I am hoping to gain immense amount of knowledge of both art and science/math at the same time throughout BSA degree program. I believe that learning from a unique experience is more important than learning it from a text; therefore, I am willing to take a chance and learn. I am also interested in studying abroad program that CMU offers, because I'm hoping to study different cultures that will allow me a better understanding of what I am expected to learn and how I am expected to behave at such circumstances. Because CMU offers a great number of programs, I am dedicated to take the advantage of them, learn, and make them my own. I know that CMU is full of students who try their best at what they are given, whom I can learn from and compete with to challenge myself. I hope to be part of CMU, share my views with other students who are walking on the same road as I am.

It's unusual how I enjoy both math/science and art even though they don't seem to go together. Even though my parents wanted me to take the easy route, I took hard math classes because I was curious how well I could do in difficult classes. Most were challenging, and I tried hard to do my best. Some of my friends said, "You're Asian. You're just good at math." but no, I did well because I tried. Many of my acquaintances says "Math and art don't go together! You should chose the one you like better.", but I think not. I crave for both, and one is as important as the other. It may seem greedy, but I can have both because I have strong passion for them.

I'm not an artist like Leonardo Da Vinci; I'm not a genius like Edison either. However, Edison's famous quote, "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.", is meaningful and hopeful to me. Although I am not as talented as others are, I hope the result of the hard works is successful. Since computers are becoming very banal, I want to have a career that deals with computer by employing both my analytical and creative skill at the same time.

It was hard to find any University that offer a major with both Art and Science until I heard about Carnegie Mellon University. I am glad and have no regrets for applying to CMU that allows me to pursue my dream of studying both Art and Science through BSA. I want to show that there are no limits to what I can do through my hard works and my infinite potentials that lie ahead. From the educations and experiences I gained from CMU, I hope they put me on the right track to my success regardless of how long it would take.

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and one quick question. that immense amount << italicized) should that be immense amount ? or immense?
Thank you SOOO much :)))
aerielm 6 / 14  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
Here I sit in front of my laptop, with an opened calculus textbook on my left and a half painted artwork on my right. These two subjects- Art and Calculus are my hardest classes but which I enjoy the most. Since my mind is bouncing back and forth, I decided push them back and write my essay on Carnegie Mellon University.

The reason Carnegie Mellon University is my top choice of all the schools is because it offers a major of Bachelor of Science and Arts, which allows me to participate in both subjects. Although I am a high school student, I am hoping to gain an immense amount of knowledge of both art and science/math at the same time throughout BSA degree program. I believe that learning from a unique experience is more important than learning it from a text; therefore, I am willing to take a chance and learn. I am also interested in studying abroad program that CMU offers, because I'm hoping to study different cultures that will allow me a better understanding of what I am expected to learn and how I am expected to behave at such circumstances. Because CMU offers a great number of programs, I am dedicated to take the advantage of them, learn, and make them my own. I know that CMU is full of students who try their best at what they are given, whom I can learn from and compete with to challenge myself. I hope to be part of CMU, share my views with other students who are walking on the same road as I am.

It's unusual how I enjoy both math/science and art even though they don't seem to go together. Even though my parents wanted me to take the easy route, I took hard math classes because I was curious how well I could do in difficult classes. Most were challenging, and I tried hard to do my best. Some of my friends said, "You're Asian. You're just good at math." but no, I did well because I tried. Many of my acquaintances says "Math and art don't go together! You should chose the one you like better.", but I think not. I crave for both, and one is as important as the other. It may seem greedy, but I can have both because I have strong passion for them.

I'm not an artist like Leonardo Da Vinci; I'm not a genius like Edison either. However, Edison's famous quote, "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.", is meaningful and hopeful to me. Although I am not as talented as others are, I hope the result of the hard works is successful. Since computers are becoming very banal, I want to have a career that deals with computer by employing both my analytical and creative skill at the same time.

It was hard to find any University that offer a major with both Art and Science until I heard about Carnegie Mellon University. I am glad and have no regrets for applying to CMU that allows me to pursue my dream of studying both Art and Science through BSA. I want to show that there are no limits to what I can do through my hard works and my infinite potentials that lie ahead. From the educations and experiences I gained from CMU, I hope they put me on the right track to my success regardless of how long it would take.

So here are some of my suggested revisions; you should put an "an" in front of immense, it makes more sense. All of the math/science of vice versa are kind of awkward, so I would find a way to reword them or just pick one. Also, a better understanding of, sounds less awkward when replaced with, to better understand. But that's about all of the grammatical errors I found. Overall it's a pretty well written essay and I like how you opened it. I would suggest making it a bit shorter and more personal, getting rid of some unnecessary detail and adding in more colorful interesting language. But I liked it! Good luck:)
OP dlwodls1993 2 / 4  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
aerielm
Wow Thank you SOO much Aeriel!! I was really nervous that nobody would correct mine, but THank God!
Sorry I have to go out to dinner soon, but I would be happy to take a look at yours once I get back!
and Im kind of confused on "making it more personal".. what do you mean by that? and what did you think the unnecessary detail was?

Thanks again :)


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