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My success - who you are - University of British Columbia Personal profile essay

meugen 1 / 1  
Dec 27, 2020   #1
Hello everyone! I'm an international student from Ukraine, and I am applying to UBC currently. Can you give feedback on my essay, please? I will be grateful

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why.

My friend once told me that I am a person, who easily succeeds in everything. These words sounded nice, but they hurted me because it wasn't the type of person which I want to become. In my mind, someone, who is good at everything, isn't significant in anything. Although, they were fair: the person, who said it, was my classmate, and I truly cope with the curriculum without problems and have the best grades in class, not putting more effort, than other students do. I continued thinking about it and eventually concluded that this is my strong side.

Not spending so much time on what most do, I can invest it into spheres, which develop me and are engaging and valuable to me. One of these spheres is Economic science: I do researches and participate in competitions. In particular, I took second place at the All-Ukrainian Economics Olympiad. My hobby is Irish dance, and I can devote my time to this exciting process.

I am a participant in the lyceum's parliament, where we are launching useful for school projects and protecting interests of students. When I see an opportunity, I try to help people by volunteering. For example, I helped with building a school for special needs children «Mozayka».

Eventually, I will use all my potential when I face a real challenge. And so I will be able to successfully study even in such a high ranked university, as UBC.

Thanks again!
akalo 2 / 7  
Dec 28, 2020   #2
Dear Meugen,
I honestly feel the first paragraph is waste , when you could have talked about things you have done and accomplished. What you did in the first paragraph is just brag. The rest of the paragraph have content but I feel you could expand on them unless you have reached the word limit.

Not spending so much time on what most do, you can remove this part of the sentence.
You can begin the second paragraph by saying for example. [Outside of class, I spend my time on activities that are valuable to me and help me develop as a person. I research and participate in competitions such as Ukrainian Economics Olympiad where I scooped the second position.

You elaborate more on these activities; what you learned from there and why it was important to you.

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