Hi, everyone. My name is Vivian, and I am applying (transfer) to UT Austin for the Fall semester in 2009. This essay is not required, but I thought it would be a great way to "introduce" myself. English is not my mother language, and writing has always been difficult for me. Any comment will help, thank you so much in advance!!!
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Prompt: The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.
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I have always dreamed of being a talented and successful artist since childhood. In the years that passed from then until now, I endured adversity, enjoyed diversity, and discovered many important truths and uniqueness about myself and my place in this world. One important realization involves the empowerment that is available to the University of Texas students. In this essay, I will explain some of the extenuating circumstances that made me confident in my decision to apply for admission in order to excel at the University of Texas.
I have seen firsthand how the University of Texas helps people reach their goals. My older brother, David Shih, majored in Computer Science and graduated in 2005. He is now working for a great company as an IT Development. My fiancé, Austin Lumbley, will be graduating in the Summer of 2009. He majors in Asian Studies and minors in Business Foundations. He plans to work for an international trade company after he graduates. Their rewarding experiences through the University of Texas have given me the desire to attend your university.
One of the extenuating circumstances that I would like to divulge is the fact that I moved to Texas from Taiwan when I was fifteen years old. I knew a very limited amount of English when I came here. I spent one semester in the ESL program. Through hard work and dedication, I was able to be placed in the Standard English class in my second semester as an American student. Besides learning the language, I had to overcome several obstacles transitioning to the American lifestyle.
I also believe that my diverse work history may stand out from most college students and applicants. My work history has instilled me a strong work ethic, which has helped develop my sense of dedication, pride, stability and responsibility that I believe will carry over in the University of Texas. I have worked my way through high school and college, and supported my older brother while he was in school. I was assigned a job as a team leader within thirty days after I was hired during my previous employment (National Western Life), and my competence and dedication has also earned me a manager position at another company I worked for (Sakura Corporate - Yama Sushi). I was sometimes contracted to design printed media, such as restaurant menus, fliers, coupons, utilizing several software (Illustrators, Photoshop, etc.) throughout my work history. The designing experience has shown me the insight of the industry, and it has ensures my desire to work in the similar fields in the future. It was a challenging experience to go out in the real world at such young age, and was also rewarding because of the opportunity to learn the commitment and dedication required to be successful in anything.
The diversity I have observed through visits and research has also enforced my desire of attending your university. I appreciate and feel humbled of what the University of Texas tries to do to maintain the diverse environment. I believe my international background can contribute to the diversity that the University of Texas always looks for; and I look forward to exchanging differences among all cultures and communities. I will make my best effort to soak in the rewarding experience, and utilize the skills I learned to grow personally and professionally. I will be proud to be a longhorn, and will always keep in mind the impact that the University of Texas has had on me, and eventually become the artist I had always dreamed of being.
I thought it was good. nice work
Well done, this is a very fine essay. There is practically no grammar mistakes, and you are expressing clearly. I would suggest that you paragraph your ideas so that it can look more organized. e.g.
Their rewarding experiences with UT and the promising futures they have truly inspired me.
I moved to Texas from Taiwan when I was fifteen years old. I have worked my way through high school and college, and supported my older brother while he was in UT.
Also, I would say that you need to elaborate on the thing or things you try to focus on, it just seemed a little scattered. now you are talking about the success you have seen, then you go on about your work experience. The point here is not talking about how successful UT students are, (though certainly you can talk about it, but i recommend saying a little less about it) it is that what more you can talk about yourself other than what they have asked, you know, maybe about what work experience you had, stuff like that.
angela
@newsha31,
Thank you so much!
@Angela,
Thank you very much for your comments and suggestion.
I am going to paragraph my essay at my final stage of editing this essay; I find it a little easier for me to write this way. ;)
The reason I talked about other UT students is because UT admission committee evaluate applicants based on points, and if you are on the fence, they will then look at the essay to find certain uniqueness. And, having family relationship with former or present UT students always count for some points. (This is according to my fiancé and his whole entire UT family, lol.)
I will, however, redo the essay to elaborate more on the things I want to focus on. Thank you so much for your help, and hopefully I will have the pleasure to have your assistant again soon!!!
Solid essay overall, though more specific details about yourself wouldn't hurt, as Angela suggested. A few minor grammatical fixes:
"It was a challenging and beneficial experience to start in an unfamiliar environment. "
"I have a more extensive history of employment than most college students, which has helped develop my sense of dedication, pride, stability and responsibility."
"and will always keep in mind the impact that UT has had on me"
Since childhood, I have always dreamed of becoming a talented and successful artist. I have seen firsthand the success stories some of my family had with UT.
Their rewarding experiences with UT and the promising futures they have, truly inspired me.
It was a challenging and rewarding experience to start in an unfamiliar environment. Throughout my employment history with several different employers, I was sometimes contracted to design printed media, such as restaurant menus, fliers, coupons and etc.
I was assigned a job as team leader within thirty days after I was hired by National Western Life, and my strong work ethic has also earned me a managers position at another company I was working for.
Hi! Great essay, but I was thinking you might add a little something specific about the schools art program, what it is that attracts you, or makes theirs stand out.
:)
Thanks, Sean and Kevin. I have made a lot of major changes, so it may seems like a semi-new essay. Hopefully it won't be too hard on your eyes. ;)
On an added note, I couldn't decide if I should take off "Since childhood." Anyone's opinion on this matter or others will be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!!!
"Since childhood" gets you off to a hesitant and weak start... it's comma interrupts the flow right away. How about putting it at the end of the sentence so that no comma will be necessary?
After that sentence, you have material that belongs in its own paragraph. Make the rest of paragraph one (after that first sentence) into paragraph two:
I have always dreamed of being a talented and successful artist since childhood. In the years that passed from then until now, I endured adversity, enjoyed diversity, and discovered many important truths about myself and my place in this world. One important realization involves the empowerment that is available to University of Texas students. In this essay, I will explain some of the learning experiences that made me confident in my decision to apply for acceptance to your fine institution. (or something like that)
Then, paragraph two:
I have seen firsthand how the University of Texas helps people reach their goals. My older brother, David Shih, majored in...
Maybe you do not need to give the details about your brother. Instead, describe the school's great resources that he told you about.
This essay is looking great! Just give a good intro instead of going right into talking about your brother's process.
I would delete "since childhood" all together, but I am not nearly as versed as the moderators.
I have always dreamed of being a talented and successful artist. In the years that passed from childhood until now, I have endured adversity, enjoyed diversity, and discovered many important truths about myself and my place in this world.
John
Thanks, Kevin and John!!! And thanks to the ones that had commented previously as well!!! This is my final draft, comments are welcome and appreciated as always, but I intend for no further modification now. Thanks again for everyone's help!
