being a successful leader- the most significant challenge you've faced

prompt:
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

my response:
Being a successful leader is much harder than I think. I remember that after I had been promoted to team leader in Civil Aid Service Cadet, I needed to lead a team go camping.

Before the journey, I was quite confident to lead my team well because I had done a good planning and studied hard about how to make a tent and how to play orienteering.

Soon after we arrived at the camp site, we were ordered to build a tent where we slept. I told my teammates to follow my instruction. However one of them suggested adding more nails to support a slant column. I denied his request as I initially thought the tent could sustain a night. Unexpectedly, due to condensed water, our "rigid" tent collapsed at the weak point. Luckily, I have brought a torch and we rebuilt it successfully based on the suggestion.

Next day, we played orienteering. We had to find out checkpoints in forest using map and compass. Bas things came twice. I couldn't imagine how it was when I discovered my compass, the only piece in my team, was broken. At first, I felt confused and had my brain stuck. A moment later, I started to recall my memory and used the watch-method to determine directions so we finished our task in time.

Good planning and wide range of knowledge is necessary for us to succeed. Even if it is out of plan, don't panic, listen to others may help.

How is my response?
Does it meets the entrance requirement?
Also if possible, please help me proofread it.

Overall, I think it explains the unexpected happenings somewhat well... However, I have this vague feeling that this essay feels a little rushed... Not that you rushed it, but that... well, try to elaborate on both of them a little more. For the second incident, it kind of sounds like black and white... Try to tell the reader the details of the situations - What exactly happened? What were your and your teammate's reactions? Did you and your team talk with each other to try and solve the problem? Or was it actually that you just remembered the different method? ... Do you kind of understand what I mean?

Good planning and wide range of knowledge is necessary for us to succeed. Even if it is out of plan, don't panic, listen to others may help.

I feel uneasy about this statement. When I read this, I feel that you are doing this just to get a promotion, not because you like to lead people. Maybe you could try rewriting this to accommodate your true feelings.

Or, simply, you could take out "which was ... promotion" and then combine the sentence with the second paragraph.


Good. To make this better, I suggest adding a transition to the end of this sentence saying that you weren't expecting the challenges ahead. Maybe;

"... about camping. No matter how hard I studied, however, I wasn't prepared for the accidents ahead." or something similar. Do you get my idea?


I think this is redundant. I would assume that a tent is for sleeping... :)


I think "luck" would better serve this purpose. :]




It's getting better. I see improvement in the grammar and thought organization.