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"Successful not only for my parents" - how my world has shaped dreams / aspirations.


Demeris 4 / 6  
Nov 26, 2010   #1
Describe your world and how it shapes your dreams and aspirations.

My life and world isn't anything outstanding. My life and family is pretty normal, so I decided to write on my parents who have shaped my dreams by being supportive, caring, loving parents.

My biggest concern is does my essay answer the prompt in an effective way.
-can you tell what my world is?
-can you see my dreams and aspirations? how are they affected by my world?
Any criticism, comments, or complaints are welcome.
Thank You :)

My biggest fans always been my parents. They are my supporters in all I do, want to do, and have done. They do their best to attend all my music concerts, soccer tournaments and award ceremonies. My parents never forced me to do anything; they gave me the ability to make my own decision and choices. They believed this way, I could and would become an individual. So when asked to play the violin, my dad said, "Alright". He took me the next day to Morry's Music and I rented a tiny red violin. A few weeks later, I was having my first private lesson. After becoming interested in soccer, I asked my mother," Mom I think I want to play soccer". She looked at me with reassuring eyes and went to the computer. To my satisfaction she was researching youth soccer organizations. They always nurtured my interests and never hindered a possible talent.

My parents strongest support though always was for my academics. They told me that i needed to do my work, listen to the teachers, learn...
irfinken 2 / 2  
Nov 26, 2010   #2
Capitalize "i"

We were laughing,enjoying each others company while our bellies

the question was innocent and not harmless - I think it should be "innocent and harmless", or "innocent, but not harmless"

I'm actually writing the same essay right now, and ours are quite similar. I like the last paragraph, it really sums it up.

Overall, I think you're well on your way. I'm no english expert, but I could relate and I enjoyed it.
freezard7734 17 / 209  
Nov 26, 2010   #3
You should check up on your typos here and there :) Use the Microsoft Word spell/grammar checker - it's really useful.

"Though my parents were opened minded and supportive, they were very strict and concerning about academics."

"Occasionally, though, I would skip my homework to talk..."

Occasionally though, I would skip my homework to talk on the phone or play video games and my parents threw fits because I wasn't prioritizing what was most important. I was confused. I had the choice to do what I wanted to do. Why are they angry?

I'm a little doubtful that you were asking yourself this. I'm sure you understand earlier why playing games instead of doing homework wasn't the best thing to do. :) I'm sure you could state the question in a different way, like: "I was only going to play for ten minutes." or "I just wanted a little break from work." Something like that. But not something blatantly "child-like" (no offense meant :) ) as, "I had the choice to do what I wanted to do."

Do you understand what I mean?

"The evening would have been perfect if my sister didn't ask my mother an innocent and harmless question..."
The evening was ruined by a harmless question? I think a better word choice is needed. Maybe choose a different word for "perfect" because I'm not sure what you mean by a perfect evening. Maybe "quiet" or "uneventful?"

"They wanted me to be the person they wished they could be."

"I believe the best way to do that is to keep working hard, be accepted to a prestigious college, and become a happy, successful adult."

The first part is good. However, readers might be skeptical at the second part and unclear about the third part. By saying, "being accepted to a prestigious college," you might sound desperate to the AO reader, so you might want to reconsider that part. For the third one, you don't really tell the reader what you exactly mean by successful. You should try to clarify your definition of success.

Nice anecdote though! :) Must have been a very enlightening moment.


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