JHU Supplement essay (ED)
Hi, so I'm applying for JHU for ED this year. I really want to get into the school and would like to edit my essay as perfect as possible. Any comment and suggestion is welcomed:) Thank you! (p.s I know I've exceeded word limit)
Prompt: Write a brief essay (300-400 words) in which you respond to the following question.
Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others, including peers, mentors, and professors. Talk about a time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience.
Ever since I learned how to hold a pen, sketching has always been my passion. Yet regardless of my constantly changing style, the sketch of a chubby girl with curly pigtails always remains my favorite. Until March of 2017, however, I did not realize how big an impact she could have on my life.
During break one day, some boys saw my chubby girl sketch and began to make fun of it. Surprisingly, one of them came to me afterwards, not only to compliment my sketches but also to show me some of his. Realizing how my sketches were pale in comparison with his, I decided to add some watercolor to them. The next day when I showed him the improved version, we were both shocked at the similarity between my chubby-girl-sketch and the nineteen-year-old Taiwanese student who has been sexually assaulted last year. Unlike my cheerful girl, unfortunately, the student was humiliated and forced to publicly apologize to her university for ruining its reputation.
Angered by how Fu-Jen University has dealt with her assault, we were determined to bring justice to her by promoting victim's rights in Taiwan. Before starting our project, neither of us truly realized how sensitive and even repelled most people were towards such a topic; even our parents questioned the feasibility of our plan. Through collaboration, nonetheless, the trust we invested in one another guided us through our darkest hours. After countless other attempts, we chose to design and sell T-shirts with chubby girl image. With no budget for production, we organized our first fundraiser on NPO Channel; through the website, we spread our ideas with Taiwanese audiences and coincidently built up the partnership with Chinese Taipei Human Rights Association. When we eventually gathered enough funds, we realized solely selling the T-shirts in our school limited our project's potential. Consequently, we created a web-page through Roots & Shoots program and connected with groups from other schools; since then, we had raised 120,500 NTD to provide financial and mental support for over 50 victims. Through collaboration, I was able to remain courageous and confident while advocating of an issue that was so incredibly taboo in Taiwanese society.
My chubby little girl, once so insignificant, is empowered by the hope we placed on her. Through this bumpy journey, I understand collaboration is about sharing the desire to speak louder, clearer, better about an idea we truly believe in; as long as the passion prevails, partnerships are simply unbreakable.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,837 4174
Hazel, the learning in this essay should not be limited to collaboration. You should also consider the lessons that you learned from partnering with other organizations, the difficulties that you faced while establishing your organization with your friend, and how you learned to face your weaknesses and overcome it. I am particularly interested in how you were affected by the 50 victims that your group offered mental support to. There are so many learning lessons in this essay that the only limitation to your presentation is the word count. You have a very effective series of collaborations that you should further develop to help strengthen this essay.
You can do that by revising paragraph 3 based on the information that I suggest you present. Once paragraph 3 becomes more responsive, your essay will become even stronger. Focus on the learning aspect rather than the amount of money you collected. Discuss the collaboration with other groups and how difficult or easy it was for you to become affiliated with them. There are lessons for you to learn every step of the way. Make sure you highlight that. Reflect some more about the way you reached this current point in your organization. How did you get to it? Integrate that into the presentation.