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Suggestions for commonapp personal essay-a dot in the sky


fantasy 1 / 3  
Jan 26, 2009   #1
Could you guys please provide me with some advice and comments on my personal essay? It was written in a short time, so I am bit of confused. I would appreciate all sorts of commentary. Thank You!

I am now a rock: a stubborn, inflexible and immovable boulder. I am a noiseless sentinel, scrutinizing, waiting, unfaltering with arms folded. The cool, late August breeze cuts through my tunic and raises goose bumps on the back of my neck. I shudder but there, in particular, is no reason to worry. The sun has already set and it won't be much longer now! Hopefully! I am very much determined, positive and paying my utmost attention. I could be enrooted at my post, with my feet acting as the pegs, if it took ten years for the moon to rise. The hint of a superior chuckle begins deep in my chest. I am the champion of this game and I am confident that I will be the first to see the moon tonight.

Moon-spotting has become a tradition in my family. Beginning as just risk-free sport, it has developed into an extremely competitive race whenever we get together for fire-cooked barbeque-chickens, burgers and hot dogs in my aunt's backyard. On weekend evenings in the summertime, my mother, father and I often make the short trek across the street to my aunt and uncle's house where we set up our chairs and lay out our feast in preparation for a long night of spicy chickens and burgers, teary, smoke-filled eyes and moon spotting. The house's location is at the epicenter of the residential area, with no tall buildings in the surroundings to obscure the night-time view of the sky in the back-yard for the perfect moon-spotting!

Moon-spotting, very simply is a competition to see who can spy the moon first as it rises over the hazy clouds in the night sky. To me, it is significantly more than just a child's game; it is a symbol of opportunity. Every night the moon makes its tireless and resolute trip across the sky without complaint and I can't tolerate cleaning my room only. Comparing my work-load to the moon's unflagging and persistent effort for the last billions of years, I feel more and more motivated and committed to work with the same dogged determination. Coupled with the spirit of competition and the beautiful feeling of sharing it with my family, I cannot think of a more undeniable experience than moon-spotting.

Nevertheless, I have always trusted my eyes along with my sixth sense. Just hope they make the perfect pack today! I guess they will assist me in enhancing my power of observation for the precious occasion! I really wish that I am not robbed of the title "champion" for this game of utmost patience.

I realize that my family is not as excited about the competition as I, but that does not weaken its importance to me. That small thrust of land where we spend our evenings around the fire is where I defend my title. There is never a prize for winning, perhaps an extra hot-dog, but no tangible reason to compete so deeply. For me it is that split second when you are completely captivated by the radiance of the moon that has unbelievably been powerful for such a great period of time. Its magic intensity can keep one engrossed forever.

These nights will truly remain remarkable as long as I live. With moon's journey, I will also flee to every possible corner of the world to spot it come out of its hiding place. And speaking of the existence of this game? Then "yes" there is not any age or time limit to it, and whenever I participate in this safe competition, I hope to regain my designation eternally!

silverystars 14 / 105  
Jan 26, 2009   #2
Hi Fantasy,

Great content! The only aspects I notice that I could critique are punctuation, but the choices you wish to make in those terms is up to you. For example, I would replace the colon after "I am now a rock" with either a comma or a period, depending on how you wish your words to flow.

Also, I would put a period in this sentence, like so: "There is never a prize for winning. Perhaps an extra hot-dog, but no tangible reason to compete so deeply."

Also, I was intrigued when you said, "With moon's journey." If it had been me, I probably would have said, "With THE moon's journey," but I find your phrasing much more interesting.

Nice work, especially your use of imagery!

Silverystars

P.S. Your first line reminded me of Simon and Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock", a favorite song of mine.

P.P.S. I just thought of how you are like the moon, as you are now a rock. Whether that was intentional or not, I'll say this: you rock!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 27, 2009   #3
This was a great and unique idea for an essay! Your opening sentence was an attention grabber, and first paragraph summed up your subject. Here are a few grammatical fixes, and you should redo the last paragraph, perhaps "These nights will remain etched in my memory for as long as I live"? Also, the last two sentences should be tightened up some, as they are not clear and focused.

Every night the moon makes its tireless and resolute trip across the sky without complaint, and I can't tolerate just cleaning my room.

Coupled with the spirit of competition and the beautiful feeling of sharing it with my family, I cannot think of a more undeniable experience than moon-spotting.

This is not the right word here. (above)

The hint of a superior chuckle begins deep in my chest. I am the champion of this game and I am confident that I will be the first to see the moon tonight.

This is so great!! (above)

:)
getitlow 7 / 17  
Jan 28, 2009   #4
this is a creative one :) good luck with your application ;) I like it :D


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