Hello,
I am a Chinese student studying in Canada, and I want to apply for American top university, especially MIT. I want to focus on my international background, especially being a Chinese studying abroad. I wrote the following essay. This personal statement will be used for common application personal statement section, as #6. Topic of your choice.
Please tell me what you think. It has two major parts,
1. The comparison between my city and myself
2. organizing the one-minute silence in my high school.
Please tell me if I should focus on only one of them, or it's okay as it is now.
Also, how do you think of
1. the length
2. the structure, is it too messy?
In the summer, you may have seen an energetic young man riding a bike, asking the city workers for direction, but finally losing himself in the noisy jungle of buildings. This was me in my hometown, excited about the rediscovery of the city. Before taking you to this adventure with me, I have to admit a soft side of my heart: I am deeply in love with my homeland.
Chengdu, my legendary city, has changed so much that I have difficulty to recognize it. I went on large avenues, surprised by new roads and bridges foreign to my memory. Nothing is more spectacular than the dramatic change in China. I pedaled hard through the meandering alleys, surrounded on every side by skyscrapers. These forgotten corners of the city were the few hints to my past. The Western influence has its place in this millennium-old city, and the traditional building finds its own style with its modern counterpart. Whether it is under the low eaves of tile-roof houses or behind the neon of the luxury stores, I can always find the very same thing, the culture of seeking harmony in change.
In some ways, my city has forged my character. Leaving my dear homeland at the age of ten, I received my high school education in French, Chinese, and finally, in English. I am like my city; the philosophies of East and West find their equilibrium in me with little contradictions. I lived happily by myself in a foreign land for nearly two years, guided my mom to discover Canada, and traveled to the US and Cuba with my friends. But in the heart of my heart, I am really a Chinese, a faith that can never depart from me. Devoting to social causes in Montreal, I won the "most dedicated volunteer" prize of the Chinese community for two consecutive years. After the deadly earthquake struck my city on May 2008, I initiated in my French high school a one-minute silence in the memory of the victims in the disaster.
As you can imagine, I faced huge difficulty in organizing the event. This idea of school-wide memorial came to me on that rainy Sunday evening, after I read the news of a national mourning in China. After some thought, I contacted all my Chinese friends, and we had a meeting online. At first, we only considered wearing black clothes and white flowers to honor this moment, until I realized that we could do the memorial on a larger scale. Many of my friends hesitated after I proposed this one-minute silence, questioning the possibility of such event. However, I was confident. After the disaster, we witnessed generous donations and help from foreign countries to China. Although we lived in a completely Western society, the brotherhood between humans is universal. After having convinced them, I set everyone to work. Some found pictures in news, some researched on the background information, and I used all information to write the petition.
The final version, checked by all members, was printed out at midnight. In only eight hours, this petition would be sent to all school directors by several members.
Early next morning, I went myself to explain the issue to my school principal. I expressed the wish of Chinese students to have a one minute silence at 14:28 on Monday, May 19, exactly 7 days after the earthquake, ignoring the time difference. At noon, I and many Chinese students went to the director's meeting room to know their final decision, and it was YES. At that moment we all felt that we did achieve something great. It was the first time ever, in my French-speaking high school, to have such event for a foreign cause. But as I wrote in a thanks letter published in the city's newspaper, this fraternity and humanity of school were beyond and above languages, races and nationalities.
You may say that I have my root deep in China. No, rather, my root is in the international water, filled with a philosophy of world citizenship, but I am encoded as Chinese in my gene. You can find this code everywhere in me, like the culture that fills my city. This is a way I am, I like, and I will not change whatever other says.
I deeply love my city. In fact, I have never been far away from my homeland, because wherever I went, I reminded myself of this culture of harmony in change. The soft side of my heart has helped me to appreciate other ideas and cultures, blended them together and led a change.
(768 words)
The content of this essay is superlative. The description of you cycling through the city is very vivid, and the comparison between the city and yourself is clear and sophisticated. I like that you also discuss the moment of silence; however, I would like to see a better transition into that story and a better integration of it into your overall thesis.
There are a few grammatical errors, which I will trust our expert grammar-checking forum members to point out. For my part, I'll point out that "tripping" to Disneyland and Cuba has a connotation you probably do not want to create, so you should choose a different word there. Also, I wonder whether "ponderation" is a word and, even if it is, suggest that you choose another way of phrasing that idea.
Thank you, I will change the transition between the two parts. So do you think you can know me through the description in both event?
As for grammatical errors, I will ask my grammar teacher to take a look. I would prefer not to trouble the forum team, since it may contain too much errors.
Thanks again for your advice
Yes, we get to know you very well from the essay. From the part about the city, we see your philosophy and creativity; from the story of the moment of silence, we learn how you go about solving problems.
Hi, I think this is an excellent personal statement essay. However, I think that you need better transition between your trip back home and the moment of silence for the earthquake victims.
Also there is a sentence near the end that you may want to revisit "This is a way I am, I like, and I will not change whatever other says." This sentence somehow seems forced and it didn't flow through as I read it.
But overall, this is very personal and well written essay. Good luck to you.
"In the summer, you may have seen an energetic young man riding a bike, asking the city workers for direction, but finally losing himself in the noisy jungle of buildings." Hmmmm . . . upon reading this, I had thought that you were going to talk about an experience in the city where the university you were applying to was located. This may be why the second person is used so infrequently in essays.
Here is what I changed (words in red)
I added some transitional parts in the essay.
As for what Moderator_Sean said, it's possible that one might think I was talking about the city where the university is located. but I immediately explain where I was in the 2nd sentence, so I think it's not confusing,
Thanks for LOVEDAYLIGHT, I will ask my grammar teacher to find the errors.
Thanks again to EssayForum, it's a great website
"In the summer, one may have seen an energetic young man riding a bike,"
"Chengdu, my legendary city, has changed so much that I have difficulty to recognizing it."
"I am really a Chinese, a faith that can never depart from me." As far as I know, Chinese isn't a faith. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, arguably even Atheism, are all faiths. Chinese is a nationality.
"At noon, I and many Chinese students went to the director's meeting room to know their final decision, and it was YES" Did they really shout their answer at you?
"The soft side of my heart [can you find a better phrase for this?] has helped me to appreciate other ideas and cultures, to blended them together and lea d a change." What change?
"In the summer, one may have seen an energetic young man riding a bike,"
I think that "you" is acceptable in this context, as a deviced to draw the reader into the essay, and actually makes more sense than "one."
It really doesn't, unless you happen to have been in China recently. The second sentence therefore makes the first extremely jarring. At least, that's the effect it has on me.
thank you
