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"the most suitable learning environment" - Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay

Esaias 8 / 37  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Hi,please help with my essay. I know I'm cutting it close and I still have some more supplementary essays. I cant believe I made this draft in 1 hour xP. I think I will edit it once then send it, so I need someone to correct grammar and help with any minor editing or additions. Thanks a bunch! xP

Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay

Ever since I was little, I have always been fascinated by the wonders of the human body and the nature of the pretty changing colors when two reactive solutions are added together. Not only did I have the passion for science, but I excelled in it as well.

Thus I decided to pursue a career in medicine and biochemistry as I believe that the Mellon College of Science would provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in the biomedical field. I have learned that Carnegie Mellon's research provides opportunities to students who are gifted and nurtures them well. Because Carnegie Mellon provides its students with such advantages is what determines CMU's as my number one choice.

Through my research I have found CMU is the most suitable learning environment which offers the increment of knowledge under the supervision of distinguished professors while providing the advanced technology to improve one's ability to learn through experience. I believe these opportunities will not only assist me to develop my potentials but also help me in gaining a concrete familiarity in my prospective field.

Considering all these factors, I think that CMU will not merely play a major part in shaping my success but will make my goals succeed by equipping me well to achieve my dream to be a doctor. I know this opportunity can help display the range of talents I have while demonstrating my intense love for science, which is why I am especially interested in attending the Mellon College of Science among the many renowned schools CMU offers.
ace 5 / 66 5  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
love the intro! especially how u sound chilish to describe hw u felt as a child
your transitional word into the next pharagraph is a bit weak. u cud say: because of this, i chose to pursue a career in medicine and biochemistry at at mellon college as i believe the college will provide me with the knowledge and skills needed in my chosen field.

second pharagraph u seem to flattering them nt neccessary or state exactly where u gor this data. like u could say hw thier technology wud help; maybe u have an idea u wud like to research on maybe it wud help to mention it. u hv one page so u hav a lot of space to focuss on that one particular thing. also its size may be worth talking about in the process.

I dnt knw bout mellon college bt I hope this helps plez do help me with my essays.
krazzikittie 8 / 23  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
I think you can be more specific, perhaps name a professor or specific program or department. I mean right now, i could probably substitute CMU with another big research university and it wouldn't make much of a difference.

cheers! =)

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