Prompt:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have always heard the words "never give up" and I thought I knew what they truly meant, but I was wrong. Sure, I have never given up in many things like last-minute English essays or devotedly practicing for a soccer championship, but I have only recently come to understand the true meaning of these words.
I was fortunate enough to be selected to attend the fully sponsored Summer Engineering Seminar (SES) at Santa Clara University this summer. During this one week exploration of the various types of Engineering and its applications, we undertook courses in fields ranging from Electrical Engineering to Civil Engineering. We also took several elective courses including an Introduction to Nanotechnology, Robotics, and Renewable Energy. To further put our skills to the test, we competed in various engineering competitions every night. These competitions ranged anywhere from building a duck tape hammock to constructing a potato catapult. Whether for good or bad, my team and I never won a competition, and by the end of the week I was disappointed and eager to prove my abilities as an Engineer. Besides, I really wanted the red LED light all the winners got.
On the third day we were finally assigned the "grand" project, to build a rubber band powered device to transport a single quarter. Many of us thought little of it and considered the project trivial, but we would soon learn otherwise. We were simply given a square sheet of cardboard, paperclips, a straw, tape, the rubber band, and of course a quarter with which to construct our devices. Over the course of the next three days, my group and I experimented with various designs including the obvious car-type design, but it was all in vain. It was then that we had a marvelous idea-simplicity. We decided to follow this concept and brainstormed various designs and, as is likely to happen in a group of five engineering loving boys, we finally decided to build a slingshot type device. The design was indeed simple, a cardboard encased quarter, to increase traction, was attached to a rubber band and we were in business. While our previous models generally stopped after traveling about ten feet, our new model just kept going until the quarter finally skid to at stop after more than 29 feet. It was then that a horrible "what if" struck our minds, "what if, our new design didn't fit in the rules!"
The next day we quickly went to talk to our Engineering Design professor after class and even he seemed a bit awe-struck at the sheer simplicity of our design. After reading the rules thoroughly, his verdict was that our design lacked sufficient use of any materials except the rubber band. We were shattered, but not for long, I had a brilliant idea and asked the professor if our device would be eligible if we just used more cardboard and after thinking about it again he said that was fine. My idea was inspired by an atom, so we put the quarter in the middle of a piece of circular cardboard and attached five more circles together using cut out inserts. We then covered the entire "Atom" with tape to reduce friction and compensate for the empty spaces between the circle halves. So come Friday morning, my group was prepared to finally win. While the average distance traveled for the other groups' devices was less than 25 feet, my group's device traveled more than 50 feet before finally hitting the back wall. A roar of cheers went up as our "Atom Slingshot", as we called it, hit the wall and we were finally winners.
Sure, the huge bag of prizes and the LED light were great and more than made up for not winning all week, but the lesson learned was even more valuable. I could have given up after my third failure but I kept going, if only for the LED light, but once the final day had ended and I was victorious, I finally appreciated the lesson I had learnt. I will never give up on my goal of being an Engineer because by persevering, I will overcome any and all obstacles between me and my goals.
Mostly I need help cutting down the word count because my first UC essay is kind long too, so thats a major issue right now. Other than that it's mostly a issue of if it makes sense or not and if the essay really tells the speaker about me. Thanks a Lot
Great essay! Honestly I don't think it's too long, most of the people I have talked to have suggested up to about 500 words. But if you do want to cut down the word count, the easiest thing to do would probably be to leave out or shorten some of the background information in the second paragraph, so that you can place more of the focus on the lesson you learned from it. You might also want to reconsider the quote at the end of the essay; it does wrap things up nicely but it doesn't really tell much about you. Other than that, your essay is personal and very well-written.
There actually was this UC Davis video where some grad student or professor said to NOT use quotes in your personal statements. The PS is supposed to be about what YOU think, not what other people think, apparently.
Thanks a lot for the comments. Instead of the quate at the end, can someone help me come up with a strong concluding sentence. I've come up with one but it seems a bit corny and stuff:
"I will never give up on my goal of being an Engineer, because any obstacles I face will only rise when I take my eyes off my goal, which I will never do."
any more suggestions for a strong concluding sentence?
BUMP? I made a few revisions. So I still need to remove atleast a few words from this essay and I want to know how it sounds. And also is the part about me wanting to just win the red LED light even remotely funny or is it just a waste of words. THANKS
I've always heard the words "never give up" all around me, and ...
Sure, I've never given up in many things like last-minute English essays or devotedly practicing for a soccer championship, but I've only recently come to understand the true meaning of these words you already implied that you only recently started to really understand them. Don't repeat it. Instead, end this first paragraph with a thesis statement that gives the main message of the essay... which is probably a sentence that tries to capture the real meaning of the words.
I think this has a t: duct tape
I'm not sure, though...
So, what is the true meaning of the words? I think you did not ever really try to express it. However, it might be something about this point at the end..."never take your eyes off the goal..." Maybe it would be good to mention something at the end of the intro paragraph about what happens if you never take your eyes off the goal, as you mention at the end. That could be pretty cool.
But the essay is already great! You are an engineer in the making.
Okay so I edited my essay to fit the USC guidelines, and I figured this essay could also be used for many other prompts (Common App, etc.). I added like 200-300 more words since USC allows up to about 700 words. So I was hoping someone could help me edit this again, Thanks a lot!
