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"summer intern at the Juan F. Luis hospital" -My hero essay: Choose your own topic


diarramarie1 2 / 5  
Nov 10, 2010   #1
People are said to be influenced by many different aspects of their surroundings: their peers, family members, television, magazines, and more. However, I experienced a more spontaneous encounter with the person who would soon become my hero. My mind was opened to new things.

During the summer of 2009, I worked as a summer intern at the Juan F. Luis hospital. My duties included filing paperwork, making phone calls, answering the telephone for my department's extension, and obtaining contact information from medical examiners. Although this list seems time consuming, it was only made for me to keep busy. The young lady I intended to work for left for maternal leave, so I was stuck with her pessimistic assistant. Motivated by pursuing knowledge, I happily completed my tasks.

One morning on July 21st, I roamed the spacious halls of the half empty building. Taking a left into the elevator, an old man greeted me. Everyone usually greeted one another in the hallways, but his sounded genuine. Day after day, I observed the man. He was short. His size was fairly normal and his hair was as white as snow, but hidden underneath a cap that matched his scrubs. He was very helpful to the people that surrounded him, whether they had disabilities or no health problems at all. In my perspective, all doctors on St. Croix were extremely unpleasant unless face to face with a patient in need, but this man made me question if I was being narrow-minded.

On August 11th, my last day as an intern, I decided to tell the anonymous man that he was my hero. Doing our short but very informative conversation, I found out that he was a nurse at the hospital. I guess it did not matter what job title he had, for it was his attitude that moved me.

My hero cannot fly or donate lump sums of cash in efforts to diminish poverty. He was not a technological inventor or an activist, but he implemented such an impact in my life, that after college I will use the tools I have to impact someone else, someday, somehow, somewhere.

Please comment ans share your honest opinion. Tell me if its boring. Im not a very good writer and I am very nervous about the application process, as many are.
monae929 1 / 4  
Nov 10, 2010   #2
Overall, I think this is really good. There's just a few things I want to point out:

- The second paragraph seems a little irrelevant. The paper should be mostly about the man, not what you had to do as an intern.
- I think you should talk more about the man. You gave some great visual descriptions of him, but didn't actually explain why you called him your hero. It's not uncommon to find someone, especially a nurse, who cares about the well being of others. Make this man seem different from everyone else. I'm not saying lie, but maybe he did something tremendous that just made you go "WOW"

Just my opinion. :]
OP diarramarie1 2 / 5  
Nov 10, 2010   #3
Thank you so much. I also think the second paragraph was quite irrelevant but I thought I would have to explain how i met him. Most nurses at our hospital have horrible bedside manners actually. I'll add some details. I'm more of a math/ science person so i wanted to make sure it wasnt boring compared to these great essays I've seen here.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 19, 2010   #4
When I look at the intro, I see only one statement: I met someone who became my hero by opening my mind to new things.

So, I think you use too many words to say that... and the intro could be said in fewer words. Then, with the space you save you can add another intriguing sentence to the intro.

Also, find places to omit unhelpful words:
During the summer of 2009, I worked as an summer intern at the Juan F. Luis hospital.

Here is a brilliant observation! This is very good...----> In my perspective, all doctors on St. Croix were extremely unpleasant unless face to face with a patient in need, but this man made me question if I was being narrow-minded.----I think you should cut out all the details of the first part o fthe essay, and just leave this sentence. Tell the reader that you did this internship, and then immediately tell them about this person. Do not waste time with all the discussion in the

On August 11th, my last day as an intern, I decided to tell the anonymous man that he was my hero. Doing our short but very informative conversation, I found out that he was a nurse at the hospital. I guess it did not matter what job title he had, for it was his attitude that moved me.

And change it this way:
...this man, when I compared myself to him, made me question whether I was being narrow-minded.

On August 11th, my last day as an intern, I decided to tell the anonymous man that he was my hero.-----cool!!

I guess it did not matter what job title he had ---had you been hoping to find out that he was a physician? A nurse plays an equally important role.

...but he implemented made such an impact in my life, that after college I ...

:-) I like it!


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