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Summer Program Why biomedical research?


Yahiriz 3 / 10  
Feb 23, 2009   #1
Hi This short essay is for a summer program that is very important to me, so please take the time to critique it and make as many suggestions as possible to make it the best!

Briefly explain why you are interested in biomedical research? 200 words.(I'm over by 30)

As a child, I was recognized for my tendency to probe my surroundings and ask a great deal of questions, even more so than the typical youngster. My parents, unable to answer my every inquiry, would lead me to a collection of encyclopedias in our home. This was my first exposure to the large volume of scientific information available and the beginning of my fascination with the human body; I read about anatomy over and over and to my captivated eyes, the most perfect machine ever built. As I grew up, I realized that there was no such thing as perfection and this sparked an interest in the imperfection or complications of the human body, like sickness and disease, its causes and remedies.

Once in secondary school, now possessing more maturity and academic experience, what started as mere curiosity evolved into the force that drove me to pursue an education in biomedical research. When I took my first undergraduate genetics course I fell in love with the mystery of the unknown in all of us, our genetics. I saw for the first time the exquisite beauty in the complexity and challenge of all that is yet to be discovered. I perceive biomedical research as the guiding light towards unearthing the secrets to improving the lives of millions of people, something I dream of taking part in.

Did I answer the prompt correctly or did I completely vear off course?

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 23, 2009   #2
You pretty much answer the prompt, which is good. However, your style needs some polishing. I would suggest reading this Essay Forums article for a good place to start in revising your work: essayforum.com/grammar-13/avoid-verb-5678/
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 24, 2009   #3
Aside from what Sean said, this sentence could use some tightening up;

This was my first exposure to the depth of scientific information available and was the start of my fascination with the human body; which I read about anatomy over and over, and to my captivated eyes it was the most perfect machine ever built.

Need another comma:

My parents, unable to answer my every inquiry, would...

Once in secondary school, now possessing more maturity and academic experience, I found that what was in the beginning started as mere curiosity evolved into the force that would drive me on to continue an education in biomedical research. the quest for those imperfections above all those invisible to us,. From the beginning of...

I hope that helps!!
OP Yahiriz 3 / 10  
Feb 25, 2009   #4
English is not my first language so I am having a little trouble figuring out what else to do to make ity closer to perfect!
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Feb 26, 2009   #5
Definitely on the right track. Some more minor grammatical things:

"I read about anatomy over and over and to my captivated eyes, the most perfect machine ever built. " This sentence seems to be missing some words. Revise.

"Once in secondary school, now possessing more maturity and academic experience, what started as mere curiosity evolved into the force that drove me" Oh no! You've misplaced your modifier! It wasn't "what started as mere curiosity" that possessed "more maturity and academic experience." It was you. Revise.


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